Giggle Parenting Inspiration – The I’m Tired Game

Posted on by Kate Orson

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You may have noticed that when children say ”I’m tired,” they may not always mean it exactly. It could also be, ”I’m starting to feel some uncomfortable feelings, and I can’t think of any other way to tell you.”

If you’re walking along somewhere and your child starts telling you they’re tired and you suspect that feelings are the real issue then try this game. Chances our their energy will probably reappear in a flash!

On the way back from the park yesterday my daughter was complaining she was tired. I started saying in a playfully tired voice, ”Yeah, I’m tired too, so, so so tired…oh no hang on..I’m not tired, I’m full of energy!” Then I would start running a bit, and then say, ”Oh I can win now! I’m going to win the most energetic race! I hope no-one overtakes me!”

This was just the cue my daughter needed to run ahead to try and be the most energetic one. I stretched my arms out wide to playfully make it more hard to pass and we kept running together. As I made it more challenging for her to get by the giggles really started flowing, and then I let her win.

We repeated the game all the way home. Each time I would let her win (after a bit of a resitstance) so that she could feel her own stress and power and of course laugh at me!

This is the perfect game to release any feelings that are getting in the way of your child feeling their natural vitality. Walking with grown-ups can be hard for children. They may be suddenly aware of how small their legs are, or how out of control they feel being told where to walk and to hurry up!

Adding in some giggle parenting is the perfect way to empower your child, and build their confidence. This ‘running competition’ can also help release real feelings of competitiveness and sibling rivalry.

For 15 more playful tips for getting children to walk check out my post here. To learn more about Giggle Parenting check out Giggle Parenting: The Best ‘Discipline’ Tool Out There! 

Have you got a challenge you’d like the Giggle Parenting solution to? Check out the Giggle Parenting Archives, or send me a pm via Facebook  

Giggle Parenting Inspiration – Teeth Brushing School

Posted on by Kate Orson

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Our child’s natural state of being is to co-operate with us. And one of their number one ways to tell us they are feeling disconnected is to refuse to do something. Refusing to clean teeth seems to be one of the most common ways! So here is yet another fun teeth cleaning game.

My daughter has been role-playing a lot of classes lately. She goes to ballet class and art class and I know she’s thinking a lot about starting Kindergarten in August.

When she didn’t want to clean her teeth the other day, I started joking around about how it was time to go to her ‘teeth cleaning class.’ Then I got a cuddly rabbit who was the teacher. Except the rabbit would say things like, ”okay to clean your teeth you need to take your toothbrush and hide it under the duvet.” She would laugh a lot, and go and hide her toothbrush. Then I would act all frustrated with the rabbit and say, ”Rabbit! That’s not how we clean teeth, you need to tell R to put the brush in her mouth.”  Rabbit said all sorts of crazy things like you, need to hide in your room and shut the door, or you need to go and put your toothbrush in your shoe, or you need to put a sock on your toothbrush, and then put it in your coat pocket. The more crazy the situation the better! I would act all exasperated and  complain about what a terrible teacher he was.

After lots of laughter she was much more connected and her natural desire to co-operate was back.

Do you need more help with teeth-cleaning? Check out Giggle Parenting For Teeth-Cleaning and Emilie Leek’s article Using The Tools To Help With Teeth Cleaning has lots of suggestions and links. 

Reader Question – What To Do About Explosive Anger

Posted on by Kate Orson

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Dear Kate, My 6 year is experiencing extreme impulsive anger and will hit himself or hit out usually over things that seem minor recently, usually it seems quite OCD like his socks aren’t on right etc I try to be calm, I.e blame the socks not him or comment on his behaviour not him, but it’s exhausting and rarely works,any suggestions? I’m worried he’s showing OCD tendencies as things have to be just right? From N

Dear N, It’s quite common for children to have strong emotional reactions to things that are small. In fact the psychologist Aletha Solter even coined a term, ‘the broken cookie phenomenon,’ to explain why children have big emotional outbursts about something as small as a broken cookie.

What happens is that when children experience a build up of stress,and upset, they will use a small moment as a trigger for letting those feelings out. If they were feeling, relaxed and happy, the position of their socks probably wouldn’t bother them that much. But when they are dealing with upset feelings, those feelings tend to get projected onto their everyday circumstances, and nothing seems right.

In her booklet ‘Reaching For Your Angry Child,’ the founder of Hand in Hand parenting, Patty Wipfler, explains how anger usually masks deeper feelings that a child is struggling to express like fear and sadness. It could be struggles in the present like challenges in school or with friendships. It can also be that experiences from infancy, when our child was most vulnerable. A difficult birth, or medical intervention can often leave a child feeling fearful.

It’s great that you are able to remain calm when your son gets angry. One thing you could also do is to set a limit, to stop your son from hitting himself or others. You could give him eye contact, take his hands, and gently tell him, ”I’m sorry I can’t let you hit yourself.” Sometimes this kind of intervention, will give the child the connection they need to access the feelings underneath. They might cry or tantrum, and then they can release whatever upset was behind wanting the socks on right.

One of the things we often do as parents is try to stop crying, and help our child by fixing the situation and making things better as quickly as possible. But if it’s a ‘broken cookie’ scenario, this means those upset feelings tend to get stored up for a later date.

Instead if we allow our child to cry freely, without us trying to fix the situation, but simply being there to offer warmth and connection, they can naturally restore their emotional equilibrium. Tears contain stress hormones, and mood-balancing hormones, so it is nature’s way of restoring emotional wellbeing. This is the Hand in Hand parenting tool of staylistening, which literally means simply staying and listening to our child when they are upset.

When your son gets upset about these small incidences, you could try setting a limit, and listening to the feelings of upset, rather than trying to make everything right. Often what happens is that after a big cry or tantrum a child can be much more flexible and are able to deal with life’s imperfections.

Hand in Hand parenting consists of 4 other tools, (special time, playlistening, setting limits, and listening time) Each of these tools can help build the safety a child needs to release their feelings through crying. As they do so angry outbursts are reduced because a child can access their deeper feelings. One of the simplest to start with is to do regular special time with your child (1-1 time spent with them doing whatever they choose).

You can read more about the Hand in Hand parenting tools in Patty Wipfler’s Listening To Children Booklets.

I hope this helps,

Kate

Would you like a solution to your family challenge? Leave me a comment or send me a message via facebook, and you could be the subject of my next blog post.

Giggle Parenting For Grumpiness

Posted on by Kate Orson

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If your child wakes up on the wrong side of bed, or gets whiney or grumpy it can be a sign of upset feelings under the surface that are causing them to feel disconnected.

Here’s a fun giggle parenting game to playfully add connection and shift your child’s mood. Put some music on if you’re at home, and pretend to phone someone up to order some ‘dancing energy’ for your child. Tell the person on the phone your child’s name.

Then start dancing across the room. Act all out of control, as if you can’t stop yourself from dancing. In a playfully frustrated voice tell your child, ”oh no! They’ve sent the dancing energy to me. This is not right!”

Phone back up, and complain to the person on the phone in a playfully grumpy voice. ”Hey you have sent the dancing energy to the wrong person. Please don’t send it to me, send it to (insert child’s name.” Spell out your child’s name to add emphasis.

Repeat with the person on the phone making all kinds of mistakes. They can send you crab energy, which makes you walk sideways. Or climbing energy, that gets you climbing on the sofa or table, as you frustratedly phone up the person to stop them from sending you the energy and try to send it to your child instead.

As your child laughs, their mood will shift, and the rest of the day should go much more smoothly.

For more giggle parenting solutions for all your family challenges check out the Giggle Parenting Archives. Have you got a parenting struggle that isn’t listed? Leave me a comment or send me a message via facebook, and you could be the subject of my next blog post!

Giggle Parenting For Grumpiness

Posted on by Kate Orson

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If your child wakes up on the wrong side of bed, or gets whiney or grumpy it can be a sign of upset feelings under the surface that are causing them to feel disconnected.

Here’s a fun giggle parenting game to playfully add connection and shift your child’s mood. Put some music on if you’re at home, and pretend to phone someone up to order some ‘dancing energy’ for your child. Tell the person on the phone your child’s name.

Then start dancing across the room. Act all out of control, as if you can’t stop yourself from dancing. In a playfully frustrated voice tell your child, ”oh no! They’ve sent the dancing energy to me. This is not right!”

Phone back up, and complain to the person on the phone in a playfully grumpy voice. ”Hey you have sent the dancing energy to the wrong person. Please don’t send it to me, send it to (insert child’s name.” Spell out your child’s name to add emphasis.

Repeat with the person on the phone making all kinds of mistakes. They can send you crab energy, which makes you walk sideways. Or climbing energy, that gets you climbing on the sofa or table, as you frustratedly phone up the person to stop them from sending you the energy and try to send it to your child instead.

As your child laughs, their mood will shift, and the rest of the day should go much more smoothly.

Cracking The Parenting Code

Posted on by Kate Orson

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Before becoming a parent I had many questions. How could I bring up my child to be happy and well-adjusted when at least 1-4 adults will have a mental health problem in their life? How could I ensure that she wouldn’t have to spend her adulthood trying to recover from her childhood?

After becoming a mum my list got much longer. Why is my child crying when I have met all her needs? Why is she not sleeping through the night? Why is every parenting book telling me something different? If I want to be a peaceful parent how on earth can I get my daughter to ‘behave’ if I’m just nice to her all the time?

Then I discovered Hand in Hand parenting. I must admit that since then my capacity for reading parenting books and articles is seriously diminished. I don’t spend all night scouring the web trying to find solutions to my problems.

Instead now I have internalised a simple universal code that I can apply to almost any situation. Here it is:

  • Children are born naturally, joyful, loving and co-operative. They don’t want to try our patience with challenging behaviour.
  • Children will be their naturally loving selves, when they feel well-connected to the adults around them.
  • When children experience stress and upset they often feel disconnected from us even when we are right there with them. Cue lots of off-track behaviour to try and reconnect with us (so-called ‘attention seeking’).
  • We can help our children release their upset feelings with laughter and play. Laughter causes a reduction in stress hormones in the body, and promotes endorphin release. When children feel better they will behave ‘better.’ (Giggle Parenting)
  • We can listen to our children’s emotional upsets. Tears have stress hormones in, so we shouldn’t try to stop them. They are nature’s way of healing and restoring emotional equilibrium. (Staylistening)
  • We can set limits on behaviour that allow room to empathise and listen to our child’s tears, or laughter.
  • Special time, (1-1 time spent with our child doing something they love is a powerful way for children to soak up a deep sense of connection to us and prevent ‘misbehaviour.’

Okay, so that’s the code you need for bringing up happy kids!

However, there is one thing that makes applying this code a little challenging and that’s our own feelings. Few of us were brought up by parents who listened to us and understand that there were emotional reasons behind our behaviour. Every day, I still struggle at times to apply this simple code.

That’s why we also need to apply this code to ourselves. To know that when we aren’t the parent we want to be, it’s because we have upset feelings clouding our thinking. To get support so we have somewhere to take our thoughts and feelings, to get them out, so we can get back to ‘behaving well’ with our child. Listening time is a tool to support us to be the parents we want to be.

You can learn more about how to apply this code by checking out the archives on my blog. Hand in Hand’s online Parenting By Connection Starter Class also helps as you can learn and connect with other parents to get the listening you need.

Have you got a parenting challenge you’d like to crack with this parenting code? Leave me a comment or contact me via facebook, and your challenge could be the subject of my next blog post! 

Cuddle Fairy
Two Tiny Hands

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Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

Tears Heal Launch Party in Switzerland!

Posted on by Kate Orson

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Date: 15th October, 2016,
Time: 1-4pm
Location: Gymboree, Basel

Tears Heal, How To Listen To Our Children will be published this October and we’ll be celebrating! Come along to meet me and other like-minded parents in Switzerland.  Get a signed copy of the book and learn more about Hand in Hand parenting while your children play at Gymboree.

The event is free but space is limited so please RSVP by leaving a comment, or via facebook. .

If you’d like to a pre-order a book to pick up on the day, please follow the link 

Join the event on facebook to receive updates, and share with your friends.

Roughhousing Inspiration – Pillow Shop

Posted on by Kate Orson

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Roughhousing, or rough and tumble play is not just good fun. It’s a great way to build close connections with your child, and to help them to feel good, emotionally and physically. It’s also the perfect opportunity for some giggle parenting.

If your child has been grumpy, whiney, aggressive or acting off-track in any way, chances are roughhousing can help to release the stress and upset that causes their ‘misbehaviour.’

In The Art of Roughhousing Lawrence Cohen and Anthony Benedet share some of the amazing science that shows it’s benefits.”Play—especially active physical play, like roughhousing—makes kids smart, emotionally intelligent, loveable and likeable, ethical, physically fit, and joyful.”

Research has shown that roughhousing helps children develop empathy and that the amount of roughhousing children engage in actually determines how well they do in Kindergarten. So throw that homework in the bin and get giggling 😉

Just as with giggle parenting (playlistening) we want to make sure that we give our children the upper hand. When we roughhouse we should use our intuition to put up some resistance but let our child win in the end. There’s nothing more fun for them as they triumphantly giggle after pushing us over, or escaping our grasp. This is why with roughhousing we should never tickle as this makes children feel powerless.

One of the biggest myths is that roughhousing is just for boys. Girls need this play just as much. They need to build confidence in their bodies, and get a chance to feel their strength.

Roughhousing is perfect for bedtime to help encourage sleep. But having an impromptu session earlier in the day can be helpful particularly if your child is having lots of behavioural challenges, and lots of feelings to work through.

Sometimes it can be tricky to know how to get started, so this is the first in a series of post to share fun games to inspire you.

Pillow Shop 

Gather together all the pillows you own, and put them in a stack on your bed. Tell your child, in an inviting playful tone, that this is your pillow shop and it’s shut today. Tell them you hope they don’t try to come in and get pillows. Lean on the pillows, so that they have to wrestle you for them. Put up some resistance and then let your child grab pillows from under you and run away with them. Chase them, and let them escape. Go for whatever brings the most giggles while they remain in the powerful role.

We had a lot of fun playing this game. At one point my daughter was lying with her head on the big stack of pillows. I would act all playfully frustrated and say in an exasperated tone that she couldn’t try out the pillows, then I would grab one from under her head, and then act all surprised when I saw that she was still lying on the next pillow. I would repeat and repeat. Next I had some cuddly toys be the pillow shop ‘guarders’ and they would stand at the entrance to the shop and try and block her way. But she would always win.

You can build your child’s confidence giggle by giggle. I hope these lead onto many fun roughhousing ‘moves’ of your own, and if you have any games to share I’d love to hear from you!

To follow along and get regular roughhousing games delivered to your inbox sign up to follow my blog using the button in the top right hand corner. The Art of Roughhousing:  is also packed full of inspiration.

How Crying Builds Your Child’s Confidence

Posted on by Kate Orson

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Did you know that crying is one of the ways your child builds their confidence? Often parenting advice centres around avoiding our children’s feelings, and stopping tantrums. With Hand in Hand parenting we teach parents how to listen to their children, so that they can grow and shine, and be their natural, confident selves. 

On Friday’s my daughter goes to a playgroup. As we live in Switzerland, the group is in Swiss German, although my daughter does have an English speaking friend there.

Recently she’s begun saying that she doesn’t want to go, even though she’s been happy there for over a year. I feel reluctant to force her to do something she doesn’t want to do. However when I ask if she wants to give up the playgroup completely she always says no, so I was pretty sure that the reluctance is more about fears and separation anxiety, than actually disliking it. I know she’s thinking a lot about starting Kindergarten in August which has increased her separation anxiety lately.

Yesterday her English speaking friend wasn’t able to go. As we walked up the hill to the playgroup she started complaining about how she didn’t want to go, and how tired she was I sensed that it wasn’t really she was tired, but that feelings were coming up about not having her friend there. So I set a limit, and told her that I was sure she could find the energy to scooter there.

She began crying, I kept walking, turning behind her and assuring her that she had the strength to catch me up. She cried for a while, and then was happy to keep scootering along.

When we got the playgroup, and it was the moment to separate from me, she started clinging to my leg. I unstuck myself, got down on her level, and told her that I was going to go. She started crying. We walked away from the other children and teachers for a while, and I listened to her. We went back and tried again. Still she was just staying stuck to me.

I knew she needed to have a big cry, to release whatever fears and anxieties were in the way of her enjoying the playgroup. But I wasn’t sure how to help her release those feelings. I also didn’t want to disturb the group.

In the end I could see no way out of the situation, so I decided that we would just go home. As we walked away my daughter started crying, and crying about how she did want to go! I listened to her until she had stopped crying. Then we went back over, and she chose one of the teacher’s to hold hands with. I left her happy and willing to give it a go.

When I came back later she was holding the hands of one of the other children. She had a big smile on her face. She told me she enjoyed it even more than when her friend was there! I think she actually liked the opportunity to connect with some of the Swiss kids as well, without her friend being there.

This is how listening can turn things around. If I’d have quickly left her, and rushed off while she was upset, she might have stopped crying, but she wouldn’t have got to release her feelings. She might not have been able to enjoy the playgroup with confidence if she was still feeling upset deep down. It was so much better to listen to those fears, and anxieties so that she could choose to go, without me forcing her, and have a good time.

When our children are faced with new situations they may feel stressed or nervous, particularly if it involves separation from us. Crying, and tantrumming are all part of our child’s natural stress-release mechanism for dealing with their feelings. When we listen without trying to stop or avoid their feelings, we can help our children to embrace life and live it to the full.

I like to give my daughter as much choice as I can in her life. I like to respect her thoughts, and ideas. When she initially told me she didn’t want to, we could of just turned around and go home. But I sensed that this wasn’t her deepest desire, or need. What she actually needed was for me to set a limit, to give her a chance to try.

When I’m due to give a workshop, , I often get incredibly nervous beforehand. All sorts of thoughts and feelings flood through my head. One time I sat on a train going to another city to give a workshop, and felt like I wanted nothing more than to get off at the next station, and head home! But actually, once I begin a workshop, and meet all the lovely parents, I end up having a great time and feel so fulfilled after sharing the amazing Hand in Hand parenting tools. I leave on a high, and immediately arrange another workshop, then as the time grows near the fears rise again! It has got easier with time though.

If I avoided giving workshops, because of my feelings, I wouldn’t get the chance t face my fears, and grow as a person. I know I need to do the same for my daughter.

It can be hard to give kids the push they need to embrace something that seems scary at first, but Hand in Hand parenting has taught me how to do it with love.

If you’d like to learn more about our approach to separation anxiety, check out my article 20 Playful Ways To Heal Separation Anxiety, or Hand in Hand parenting’s online Healing Separation Anxiety Course. 

Giggle Parenting To Help Your Child Fall Asleep In Their Own Bed

Posted on by Kate Orson

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I think that as parents we should find the sleeping arrangement that works best for our family. There’s no right or wrong, and whether you co-sleep or have your child in their own room, (or make any other parenting choice for that matter!) you can do Hand in Hand parenting in the way that works for your family.

We have been a co-sleeping family and also had phases when my daughter slept in her own room because she chose to. Now she sleeps in a bed next to ours in our room. It just seemed to work out that way. She’s been sleeping in her own bed since she was 18 months old. She actually embraced having her own bed and was happy falling asleep in there until February this year.

One night before she had to go to the doctor for a blood test she got really clingy and wanted to fall asleep in my bed. Ever since then she’s fallen asleep in my bed. I’d be totally happy with her falling asleep cuddled up next to me, except for the fact that I know it’s because she’s still got some feelings (perhaps about the blood test, perhaps about earlier hurts from being a baby that got triggered when she went to the doctor etc.)

So a few weeks ago I wrote this blog post about how I staylistened to my daughter’s feelings to help her through the fears, and get comfortable falling asleep alone. But, she was still falling asleep in my bed! I still hadn’t got her comfortable to fall asleep in her own bed.

The funny thing is my daughter will fall asleep in her own bed, but only if my husband puts her to bed. This kind of inconsistency, is a sure sign that she is trying to ‘tell’ me about these feelings, because I am the parent that uses the Hand in Hand parenting tools the most to build emotional safety (as I talked about in this post here.)

One of my issues is that my daughter is a night owl, and likes to go to bed around 9.30 ish. This has been her natural rhythm for her entire life so far, and my attempts to shift her sleep pattern never worked. I also like to go to bed at this time, and I’m often pretty exhausted by then, so it’s been a struggle to work on this emotional project consistently.

A few nights ago I got some listening time, and I ended up actually asking my listening partner for advice! This is not really what we usually do in listening time, but as my listening partner is also a Hand in Hand parenting instructor I was looking for a fresh perspective. Even though I’m a Hand in Hand instructor, it’s often my own parenting issues that are the most challenging, because my own emotions exhaustion, tiredness etc, often get in the way.

My listening partner suggested that I get into bed with my daughter, and then slowly leave her there, or that I could set a limit, and gentle move her into her own bed while staylistening if necessary. Well it kind of turned out that way!

When I finished my listening time my daughter was in her own bed, just about to fall asleep, but when she was me she immediately wanted to come into her own bed. I was feeling energised from my listening time, and it had also helped to talk with my partner and get new ideas.

So I immediately moved towards the gap between our beds and said, ‘’I’m the door of the bed, and I’m staying shut!’’ Then she started trying to get by either side of me, and wrestled to climb over me.

I let her jump into my bed, and then acted all playfully exasperated that she had climbed over. Then I told her ‘’I’m the door, and I’m coming to put you back.’’ Being playful meant it didn’t seem so ‘forceful’ to physically move her into her own bed. I playfully picked her up and put her in her bed, and then I ‘shut’ the door again. We repeated this a few times as she wrestled and laughed. At one point she ran around the beds instead to avoid the door, which really made her laugh.

Then she said she was tired, and I asked if she could get into her own bed, and I’d cuddle her for a bit. She agreed straight away and fell asleep quickly and easily. The next day she woke up in a great mood even though she’d fallen asleep later than usual.

Now, for some parents, myself included, we can often feel a little strange, about enforcing a separation from our child. We can worry that this may give our child the wrong message, that we are not available for closeness.

But it’s actually the opposite. By noticing those moments when our child is clingy, we can actually become closer together by playing with the idea of distance. I felt a lot more closely connected to my daughter, when we wrestling and laughing together, than I do when she’s clinging to me, taking ages to fall asleep because she’s still tense because there are feelings she hasn’t released that get in the way of her being able to let go and fall asleep.

So if your child is taking a long time to fall asleep at night, or is showing signs of being tense or disconnected, then try having some fun getting them to sleep in their own bed.

 Are you struggling with parenting and looking for a fresh perspective? I have a Parenting By Connection Starter Class beginning next Wednesday at 8pm Central European TIme, (7pm UK Time, 11am Pacific time).