Screens are addictive, we all know that. Right? Or do we? Today my daughter came back from Kindergarten, and ate her lunch while watching her ipad. A few minutes after eating she begged me for special time. She turned her Sylvanian house into a hotel with rooms and beds for all the guests and we did an hour long special time.

Then we went to the shop to get snacks and hang the washing out. Then she told me that she’d go inside and have a rest and watch her ipad, then do a bit more special time. So she watched again for a short time and then we played a bit with her toy Octonauts. Then she made some ‘youtube’ videos to show the viewers around the hotel ( I don’t really put the videos on youtube but our family and friends are her subscribers!).

She watched TV a bit longer and then she told me she was bored of it and started to prepare a snack for Kindergarten the next day (on her own initiative). As I write she’s hanging out with her dad and choosing an outfit for tomorrow – also her idea!

I’m always going back and forth about the screentime issue, constantly readjusting my game plan, and trying to follow my instincts. When my daughter first started Kindergarten, I found myself setting a lot of limits with screens, particularly if she asked for it first thing when she walked in the door. I felt like she had a lot of feelings coming up about starting Kindergarten, and that I need to set a limit and staylisten. (You can read more about the Hand in Hand Parenting approach to setting limits here )

But then I began to feel like I was setting too many limits, and it was no longer about listening to my daughter’s feelings but about my own controlling attitude to her screentime. I felt that this was getting in the way of us having a good connection.

When I stopped hovering around her trying to think of creative suggestions to get her off screen, she would watch for a while and then stop, completely of her own accord. I began to focus on respecting my daughter’s genuine interest in screens, allow her to use them until she feels ready to stop, allowing her to soak up inspiration for her own film-making!

Screens can be addictive but not always. Today reminded me that when our children are well-connected, they can use screens in a healthy way. Focusing on our own addictive use of screens can also make it easier to help navigate the screentime dilemma. Taking a leap of trust in our children’s ability to self-regulate is also helpful, as well as stepping in and setting limits when they need them.

As I finish writing I can hear my daughter playing independently as my husband makes dinner. She just came in to drop me off a little note with her name on and some kisses.

I don’t have any foolproof answers, but I do think that when we fill up our child’s connection cup, and give them plenty of opportunity for emotional release, then it’s much less likely that they’ll use screens addictively. As addictions expert Johann Hari says, ‘the opposite of addiction is connection.’

I also think it’s important not to use the screen as a pacifier to give to our child when we are busy and unavailable. I think that can actually create an addiction because our child then learns to gravitate towards the screen rather than to us when they are feeling disconnected. In this article here Patty Wipfler explains that a bored child is actually a disconnected child. If we can give our children connection when they are bored rather than entertainment in the form of an electronic device, we reduce the chance of them becoming addicted.

How about you? How is your family handling screentime? What has worked for you and what’s not working? If you’d like some tips based on Hand in Hand Parenting then feel free to leave a comment below!

You can read more about the importance of connection in reducing addictive behaviour in my book Tears Heal: How to listen to our children

Thanks to Ariadne Brill of Positive Parenting Connection for contributing this guest post about the power of listening to tears. I see this so many times fear and upsets can cloud our child’s thinking, and after having a good cry, they are filled with confidence and ready for new adventures! 

With tears streaming down her little face my daughter turned to me and said “I can’t go in, mama, I just can’t.”  We were standing just outside her new classroom on her very first day of first grade.

We had prepared for starting the first grade. In fact, the entire year before, her pre-school teacher and the elementary teachers had collaborated beautifully in preparing the children for this new adventure.

Aptly named Harmony days, the elementary school hosted several occasions in which children had a chance to visit the elementary school, try gym, art, music and other school activities.  Right before the school year started, my daughter also had an individual meeting with her new teacher. At that meeting, she appeared confident, at ease and determined to start her schooling adventure. She knew the classroom and had even decided which classmate she wanted to sit with.

But tears showed up right before the door frame anyways. It looked like there would be no way to get her inside. Her feet were planted firmly on the ground, her hands squeezing her backpack.  But knowing my daughter, I just waited, quietly. Offering reassurance, I listened but never insisted the tears go away.

Tears are just want my daughter needs before starting anything new.

Even as an infant, my daughter often cried (or laughed wholeheartedly) through transitions.  

Waking up from a nap at age one usually came with tears.

Falling asleep even now at age six happens more easily if we laugh up a storm.

Trying new foods,  traveling to a new place, a shift in our usual routine…it’s a sure thing that tears are going to show up.  And my job is clear: I get to listen. I don’t get to fix, shush or coddle. But it’s a delicate and fine balancing act. I have to trust my daughter a great deal.

“Don’t fix, don’t soothe.”  Reminds Patty Wipfler of Hand in Hand Parenting. And I often allow these words to guide my mind  when my daughter’s tears do show up.  So that I can provide the space needed for her to offload her emotions and find her own inner strength to face her challenges.

The amazing thing about these tears is that when they show up, if I listen, if I allow my daughter that time and feeling to fully pass through, she bounces back into calm so very quickly. It’s like this gentle but needed tornado of emotions must sweep through her. And then in the place of tears unwavering confidence and determination appears.

This day in front of her classroom was no different. And so I stood by her, offering a hand to hold and patiently waited for my daughter to signal she was ready to step over that threshold.  

The tears came full force for about a minute. Her little face red, her mind working fiercely. One hiccup and a long sigh later, the tears subsided.  A request for a big hug and smile showed up next.

“Ok. I can go in. I am ready. I love you mom. I ACTUALLY CAN DO THIS.”  She said, enthusiastically putting one foot in front of the other and marching towards her new classroom.

Peace & Be Well,

Ariadne

Author’s Bio

Ariadne is a happy and busy mama to three children. She practices peaceful, playful, responsive parenting and is passionate about all things parenting and chocolate. Ariadne has a B.S. in Communication, is a certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator, and has completed several graduate courses in child development, psychology and family counselling. She lives on top of a beautiful mountain with her family, one cuddly dog and “bluey” the fish.

Positive Parenting Connection http://positiveparentingconnection.net

Positive Parenting Connection on Facebook http://facebook.com/positiveparentingconnection

 

The other day a friend (who also practises Hand in Hand Parenting) were chatting. I was talking about how since my daughter’s recently started Kindergarten that I’m trying to shift her bedtime routine. She used to go to sleep between 9-10 but now she has to fall asleep earlier. Ideally I’d like her to wake up naturally each morning, but I’m finding I have to wake her each day, which sometimes results in her being overtired. What could I do to shift her sleep, I wondered? Should I impose a strict routine now instead of going with the flow like I used to?

As my friend and I talked we remembered something. We’ve noticed anecdotally that children who’s feelings get listened to,  (what Hand in Hand Parenting calls staylistening) tend to need less sleep and often drop their naps earlier than other toddlers. (although this is a slight disadvantage, there are many bigger advantages to having a child who’s feelings don’t erupt through their behaviour all the time, I promise you!)  It got me thinking about how sometimes, if my daughter has a big play, or a big cry the night before she wakes up in an amazingly good mood, even if she ends up having less sleep. Now I think about it, I have also needed more sleep at times when I was full of emotion. A couple years ago when my grandmother died I could easily sleep for 12 hours if I had the chance.

When our children have to get up in the morning for an exact time it can put a lot of pressure on family life. We feel like we have to get serious, put a stop to fun and games, and live our lives by the clock. One way around this that I tried this week was to set a timer for our evening roughhousing play, so that we could still have fun, but fit it into our stricter routine.

On Friday night I was going to do the same, but then I remembered the conversation with my friend. My daughter seemed to need to play and release some feelings so we ended up playing for longer. I knew she could sleep in the next day. I didn’t want to throw off her whole routine, but since she’s started Kindergarten, she’s taking longer to fall asleep at night. She’s often singing German songs or counting in German last thing at night, and I know her brain’s processing all the learning she’s doing. I know that as much as she needs a good night’s sleep she also needs extended play to relax first. And last thing at night seems the perfect time to do it!

If your child regularly takes a long time to fall asleep at night, it can make you feel anxious. You’re worried your child is going to be exhausted the next day. You’re frustrated and want some me-time. Play offers us the chance to relax. To be a little flexible with the routine for a few nights, and give our child concentrated, intense play to work on any stress and tension that’s been gathering up. Don’t be surprised if your child also needs to cry after having lots of laughs and giggles. It’s all part of their natural healing process for releasing stress and tension. Going with it rather than against it will help your child to sleep better in the long run, even if it disrupts the routine for a few nights.

After a few nights of having their feelings listened to, you may notice that they fall asleep much easier, and it’s much easier to implement your bedtime routine.

So if you find yourself getting stressed and tense waiting for your child to fall asleep. Remember that giggles are just as important! And you can go with your child’s natural instinct to play and release tension, rather than focusing on the clock.

If you’re looking for some bedtime inspiration try these suggestions below. 

Giggle Parenting For When Your Child Just Won’t Fall Asleep 

The Benefits Of Laughter Before Bedtime 

Silly Bedtime For Kids Leads To Better Sleep 

And if you’d like to learn more about how Hand in Hand Parenting can help your child fall asleep easily and sleep through the night check out the sleep chapter of my book, Tears Heal: How To Listen To Our Children 

 

 

 

My daughter came home from Kindergarten and I was warming up some soup for lunch. Suddenly she started complaining that she didn’t want soup, even though she’d asked for it the day before and gone shopping with her dad to get the ingredients.

I had a feeling, that like many of our children’s big emotions, it wasn’t really about the soup. Although my daughter is loving her new adventure at Kindergarten, I know she’s got lots of feelings to process too. So I decided to set a limit. I told her that I wasn’t going to cook anything else. She cried, and I gave her a hug, empathised with her, and let her cry for as long as she needed without interrupting her (what Hand in Hand Parenting calls Staylistening). And I also kept holding the limit.

After a few minutes she was feeling a bit better, and started eating the soup. Although she’d finished crying, it seemed like there was still some feelings simmering beneath the surface and I sensed she needed to giggle.

So I did some silly stuff with my soup spoon. First it tried to go into her bowl to get her soup. Then it tried to feed me really quickly spoon after spoon when I wasn’t ready. Each time I would complain and talk to my spoon asking why it was being so silly. ”Hey spoon, you’re feeing me too fast!” I would exclaim exasperated. Then the spoon would respond by feeding me too slowly and I would complain about that too. My daughter laughed and laughed. After that she ate happily and even said, ”this soup is too delicious not to eat.”

Food is complicated for a lot of us. We want to honour our children’s preferences, and tastes. But we also want to notice when their feelings around food are masking deeper feelings of disconnection, and hurt. That’s the time we can set in, and use limits, and giggles to connect with our child so that they feel better.

Using a connected, listening approach to meantime helps our children to grow up with a healthy attitude to food. It helps to teach them to recognise when they have upset feelings, rather than masking them by comfort eating. I don’t always find it easy to set limits around food, but listening time, helps me to get my head clear so that I can see whether my daughter’s need for a certain food is genuine or a pretext for some hurt feelings.

Being able to listen to my daughter meant that she was able to return to Kindergarten with her emotional backpack a little lighter, ready for more adventures.

For more playful approach to picky eating check out 20 Playful Ways To Help Picky Eaters. 

For more information on the Hand in Hand Parenting approach to setting limits download your free Setting Limits E-Book.  

You can order your book now using the paypal links below, and receive a signed copy.

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Tears Heal allows parents to discover parenting’s biggest paradigm shift, the way they respond to children’s tears.

One of the most challenging things parents of babies and young children have to deal with are tears. When babies cry, parents shhh, or rock them to try to get them to stop. When toddlers’ tantrum parents may distract them, attempt to reason with them, or ignore their crying in the hope it won’t last long. It seems natural to judge the success of parenting by how much children cry. Tears Heal will allow readers to discover parenting’s biggest paradigm shift, the way they respond to their children’s tears. Here parents will learn how to transform their parenting by moving away from stopping feelings, towards listening instead. Tears Heal – How To Listen To Our Children is warm, and full of empathy for the hard work, and struggles that parents go through. It also has a strong leaning towards helping parents with their own emotions, as they deal with their children’s challenging moments. It explains why we find children’s feelings hard to handle, because our feelings weren’t fully listened to when we were children, and shows how we can nurture and support ourselves so that we can be the parents we want to be.