Kate Orson

How Letting Our Children Make A Mess Builds Co-operation

Posted on January 24, 2016November 15, 2016 by Kate Orson

When I told my daughter I was writing up these ‘giggle games’ to share with you all she suggested, ”the child pulls books off the bookshelf!” It’s funny she suggested this as when she was a baby she loved to pull the books off the bottom shelf. I never did get round to replacing them with toys as one friend suggested I did. I just let it slide.

Back then I knew her book pulling was exploratory behaviour. But what about when our children get older and ‘know’ better. Well when they’re feeling well-connected, they won’t act off-track and randomly pull books off the bookshelf, but if they’re feeling a bit disconnected or something has happened to upset them then they might just use pulling a few books off the shelf as a coded message to tell us, ”help I’m not feeling good.”

So you could let your child pull books off a bookshelf and then pretend to act all annoyed, and they get really giggly and love being ‘naughty’ and do it again and again. All that laughter is your child’s natural way to release stress and tension, so they can get back to think clearly and being co-operative.

But perhaps you don’t want your books to get bashed around. In which case you can keep the fun going, but redirect your child to a box of toys, or a drawer full of clothes. In this post I explain why letting kids be ‘naughty’ in a controlled way is really allowing them to get their off-track behaviour out of their system so that they can return to their natural, co-operative self.

When my daughter was adjusting to going to playgroup she’d often go over to the fridge, and pull all the magnetic letters off. I wasn’t worried about them getting damaged so I went along with the game, pretending to be annoyed in a playful way, and putting them back on just so she could take them off again. I knew her behaviour this was a sure sign that she was feeling disconnected and needed my attention. And I knew that play was the best way we could reconnect.

So when your child is acting off-track you can redirect to let the fun continue, and with every giggle they’ll be closer to being their natural, good, co-operative self again.

5 Ways To Get Started With Giggle Parenting

Posted on January 23, 2016May 9, 2016 by Kate Orson

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For two years I struggled with play. First of all my grandmother died, and it took me a long time to be able to recover my own sense of joy. I got through the day with caffeine. Then I got a book deal, and I simultaneously dealt with my grief, and became preoccupied with meeting my writing deadline.

I knew that writing a book was a wonderful opportunity, but somehow in my panic and nervousness to get things done on time, (with tea and chocolate to help!) I wasn’t really relaxing and being in the moment with my daughter.

When I finished the book I finally felt like I could stop and breathe a bit. I could relax and give up caffeine, along with that wired anxiousness that came with it. And what I found is that my natural instinct to play came back to me.

We’re all born able to play, it’s something innate to all of us. Sadly though we lose pieces of our playful selves along the way to adulthood. When we were young the adults didn’t always play with us when we wanted them to, or in the child-led way we loved. As we grow older and have more adult responsibilities we can lose touch with our fun selves. In last weeks blog post I talked about 5 tips for having fun with your kids.

Now I’m going to focus on how to get laughter flowing, and all of that giggly fun Hand in Hand parenting calls playlistening.

Make a mistake – Whether it’s when we’re tidying the house, or playing with our kids, or trying to get them to do something, making a mistake is guaranteed to get the giggles flowing. So tidy something away into the wrong place, and act all surprised saying, ”I didn’t mean to do that!” or pick up a book to read, but ‘read’ a teddy bear instead. As you exclaim ”whoops,’ and acted shocked your child will delight in you being the one getting things wrong. It’ll even help to build their confidence and make them feel more comfortable with making mistakes.
Do something that you are sure is so silly it couldn’t possibly be funny! I think sometimes we forget that our children are so young that silly stuff will be funny. I know I’ll often do something silly like pick up a banana instead of answering the phone or put some socks in a saucepan instead of pasta. These things will often get a laugh, diffuse tension, and are ideal for those moments when you can feel stress levels rising.
Recover your own sense of joy – I’ve heard this quote many times; that in Shamanic societies if a person was feeling depressed the Shaman would ask one of these four questions, When did you stop dancing? When did you stop singing? When did you stop being enchanted by stories? When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence? If we’ve lost touch with what brings us joy, then it’s hard to bring joy to others. Remembering or discovering what we love can really help us to feel more able to spread joy with our children.
Have a lazy day – Modern life goes at a rate that is not really compatible with our deep emotional well-being. Most of us probably need some time to unwind. Most of the laughter play I do with my daughter happens when we’re at home not thinking about what we have to do or where we have to go. Playlistening is about intuitively sensing what will make our children laugh. It’s a creative skill, and rest and relaxation is one of the things that can help to nurture our creativity.
Follow your child’s lead – When we’re deeply attuned to our child we’ll notice that they often set up situations to make themselves laugh. So do some special time, and pick up on what makes your child laugh, repeat it for as long as they’re still giggling.

I hope this list helps to bring more laughter into your family life! What makes your children laugh? I’d love to hear what works for you, so please leave a comment 🙂

Playlistening Inspiration N.O 2 – Getting Dressed Giggles

Posted on January 23, 2016September 9, 2016 by Kate Orson

When children feel disconnected or have hurt feelings one of the most common ways they try to tell us is by refusing to do something that we want them to do. Is there any parent who hasn’t struggled with their child not wanting to get dressed?!

In this classic game you can act all ‘serious’ telling your child, ”come on now, lets get your clothes on.” Then you can put their pants on their head and their socks on their hands and then say, ”oh, hang on a minute, that’s not right! Let me try again.” Repeat as long as they find it funny and you can also try out your own variations.

Yesterday I was in a bit of a dilemma as I had put out thermals for my daughter to wear as it was cold, but she wanted to pick her own outfit. So I decided to diffuse the tension by grabbing a pile of dirty washing, and then saying, ”come on now, it’s time to get dressed,” and then realising my ‘mistake’ I’d say ”oh no what am I thinking, this is just a pile of dirty washing!” I repeated it, with her dad’s clothes, with my coat, and even with objects, like an iron, and a magazine.

This is a fun game to play even if your child is quite happy and co-operative. If you’ve got a little time to spare, it’s always worth investing it in laughter.

Wondering what playlistenings is? Have a read of this intro. What is playlistening?

For more playlistening inspiration visit Hand in Hand parenting.

Giggle Parenting Inspiration – Word Muddle Soup

Posted on January 22, 2016September 14, 2016 by Kate Orson

Connection builds co-operation. Laughter can be used in many challenging situations with our children to make things go more smoothly. It’s also just good fun to laugh and connect. As the comedian Victor Borge said, ”laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”

Getting out of the serious busy life of being adult and into the playful world of our child can transform our relationship. Whatever you’re struggling with right now, laughter is probably the answer!

Laughter has amazing benefits both physical and emotional. It lowers stress hormones, boosts endorphin (feel-good) hormone levels, improves the functioning of the immune system, and even ‘fake’ laughter has the same benefits. So even if you don’t feel like laughing, you can always ‘fake it, till you make it’ and laugh along with your child.

Laughter also improves the behaviour of your child. They’ll be less whiney and moany and less likely to act off track, simply because they feel better.

This is the first in what (I hope!) will be a series of playlistening (Giggle Parenting) inspiration posts. Simple ways you can bring more laughter into your day.

The last few days I’ve been eating a lot of ‘word muddle soup.’ After I’ve eaten it I start saying things like ”I’m going to put my frogs on,” instead of ”I’m going to put my shoes on” or ”I’m going to drink my pee pee” instead of ”I’m gong to drink my tea.” Then I’ll exclaim to my 4 year old daughter, ”Oh no! It must be that word muddle soup I ate, making all my words go muddled again.” She laughs and laughs. I think I forget how simple it is to make kids laugh, just say something, silly or make a mistake, and they love it.

Word-muddle soup could be just the recipe for a young child getting to grips with learning a language, or one who feel shy sometimes or has trouble speaking up. But many young children find it funny simply because they love it when adults are the ones making mistakes.

So if your day is dragging a bit, try some word-muddle soup, and season your day with lots of laughter.

20 Playful Ways To Heal Separation Anxiety

Posted on January 19, 2016May 18, 2016 by Kate Orson

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When it’s time to say goodbye to our child we may often hear the advice that it’s best to rush off even if they’re crying. Later we may be reassured by their caregiver that they stopped crying as soon as we left and were fine.

However we may be worried that our child wasn’t happy being left and that we are spending too much time away from them. Our child may continue to cry every time we leave, and we may be filled with guilt about leaving.

When our child gets upset about us leaving, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t like their caregiver or that the need to be with us 24-7. It’s quite natural for children to have multiple attachments to other adults and benefit from being raised by a ‘village.’

It is often more likely that separating from us triggers deeper fears, and emotions in our child, that they need us to listen to. It’s not the separation per se that is the problem, but just that this moment stirs up memories of times when they felt scared or upset. It could be from early experiences such as a difficult birth, separation from us for medical treatment, or just the everyday separation anxiety that all children go through.

Memories, experiences and upsets can cloud a child’s thinking, so they don’t feel safe to leave us. In terms of the brain science our child’s limbic system senses an emotional emergency, so the pre-frontal cortex- the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking, and language can’t function well. In those moments even if we tell our child that we’ll be back later, they may be too upset to process the words we are saying.

There is a different way of handling goodbyes. Instead of the short goodbye approach, we can try the complete opposite and try a long goodbye which Patty Wipfler talks about in this article here, We can listen to their upset, staying with them as they cry, and express how hard it is for us to go. When we do so, our child can heal from difficult experiences and grow in confidence. When they’re no longer upset, they’ll be able to understand (at least roughly!) what we mean when we say we’ll be back in an hour. Then they will be able to hug us goodbye with a smile on their face (at least most of the time!) enjoying the love and attention of others, and feel safe that we will return.

It doesn’t always work out that way! There have been times when I’ve left my daughter somewhere, and she hasn’t cried, but I’ve sensed that she’s feeling disconnected. She might be unable to look me in the eye or fully acknowledge that I’m leaving. I know she still has feelings under the surface, and at those times I didn’t feel completely comfortable about leaving her either.

At times like these, or if we’re listening to a lot of upsets about separation, we might want to build connection with our child around the theme of separation. Here are some fun, playlistening games in which the child can take on the more powerful role, with lots of laughter to release fear and tension.

Sometimes all our child needs is a few giggles and then they’ll be happy to separate from us. At other times the laughter might trigger tears afterwards. We don’t want to use games as a distraction from upsets, as it’s most helpful simply to stay with whatever our child feels in the moment. But they are an effective way to help our children get closer to their feelings, so they can let them go. As we try out these Hand in Hand parenting tools we’ll get a feel for when we need to listen to an upset, or when a more playful approach will work better.

I hope you have fun playing these games. Some can be played at the moment of separation, others are great in preparation for a separation, or to reconnect afterwards. They can take a bit of time so if we do need to go out, we might want to factor in a bit of extra time. It’s an investment because every time we build connection with our child separation will become easier. Repeat each one while the giggles keep flowing.

Peek a boo – is a classic one to play with babies to help them understand about object permanence – that when we go away we will come back. Torsten Klaus from Dad’s Talk Community says, ”A few weeks ago, when I didn’t see my then six-month-old daughter for the afternoons, I would come home and she wasn’t quite sure whether to smile at me or not. I always smiled at her, did the baby-sign-language sign for ‘Papa’, and then my wife and I would play peekaboo with her for a few minutes. After playing that she would be happily on my arm and smile at me.”
I hope you don’t pull me back – When we leave we can invite our child to play simply by telling them what we hope they won’t do, in a playful tone. So we might say, ”I’m just going to go out the door now, I hope nobody tries to pull me back in.” Let our child grab us by the arm and pull us back into the house. We can fling ourselves back in and land on the sofa for extra cuddles goodbye.
Wrong coat, wrong shoes – Playlistening is really very simple. We don’t need to be an award winning comedian. Our child will love it if we just make some silly mistakes So try to put on daddy’s coat, or your child’s shoes, and then say, ”oh whoops, silly me, that’s not right!”You could also try leaving while still in your pyjamas or a towel after just stepping out of the shower.
Leave with child by mistake – This is good to try if your child is old enough to understand what’s going on and won’t get confused, and think they’re really coming too. Get ready, grab your child’s hand, walk to the door and open it. Then look at your child and say, ”oh! You’re here! I’m meant to go by myself aren’t I! Oh dear, let me try that again.”
Going the wrong way – Get all ready to leave, and then go the wrong way. Open the bathroom or bedroom or even a cupboard door. Then say, ”oh hang on, that’s not how I leave the house is it? Now where is that front door?”
Child pushes you out – As you are getting ready by the door, say loudly ”I’m not quite ready to go yet, I hope no-one pushes me out the door,” inviting your child to be the one to take the power and push you away. Then come back in and say, ”hey! Wait I’m not ready yet, I need some more kisses!
Taking strange objects when you leave – Think aloud when you are about to leave the house, telling your child you need to get your coat/hat/bag. But instead, pick up a broom or a saucepan, or other strange objects that you would never leave the house with, saying, ”Oh whoops, that’s not right! I don’t need to take a broom/saucepan with me, let me try again.”
She’s mine – Hand in Hand instructor Stephanie Parker in Stroud, UK loves playing this one with her daughter. One parent takes hold of the child, and says, ”she’s mine!” Then the other one tries to take the child, and playfully ‘pulls’ them away, saying ”no, she’s mine!” The parents have a playful tug of war with their child, and they get to soak up lots of warm, loving connection with both parents. Hannah Gauri Ma from Loving Earth Mama says, ”my daughter loved this one, too – especially after the arrival of her sibling, when she felt she was not as important to us and didn’t get as much of our time.”
Hidden Kisses, Ariadne Brill from Positive Parenting Connection says, ”My daughter and I had a ritual of leaving hidden kisses tucked away behind her shirt collar or on the butterfly of her sweater, the sleeves etc.. She could then check in on the kisses if she missed me and take one. Now that she is a bit older we exchange kisses every morning that we leave in each others necklace pendants.”
I can’t leave you yet! Shaheen Merali, Hand in Hand instructor in London, UK Just before I was about to go, I would hold my daughter and say that I’m giving her to dad now. Then at the last minute I would pull her back and insist that I couldn’t do it, that I didn’t want to let her go, etc. We were near a bed so then this extended into her walking on the bed away from me towards her dad. Just before she reached his outstretched arms she’d suddenly ‘escape’ and run back to me. After a while of playing this she had released enough fear so that she felt safe to be held by her dad. Then she would run to me to give a hug goodbye but then just before reaching my arms, she’d ‘escape’ and run back to him instead. With this game, we moved from lots of tears and staylistening before I left, to lots of giggling and a hug goodbye!
Role Reversal Play Hand in Hand instructor Rachel Schofield suggests we reverse the roles at a different time to actual separation. Say “nooo don’t leave me” child either gets quite insistent that they have to go or says “okay I’ll stay.” The following few tips have some useful role reversal play ideas.
Abandoning Dolls. My daughter initiated this game, when she was quite young, and we used to go outside to do special time with her dolls. She would be carrying them along, and then would suddenly throw them down and run away laughing. It was clear she was playing with separation. I would act in the voice of the dolls saying, ”hey! Don’t leave me!” and chase after her. You could try initiating this game while playing with dolls or cuddly toys, saying ”I hope you don’t leave me,” or ”I hope you don’t have to go out to work,” etc.
Super Parrot From Shaheen Merali. We changed a parrot puppet we had into ‘Super Parrot!’ (Say it with all the shabang of Super Man for more impact ;)) Super parrot claimed to be strong and powerful and no problem was scary for him, least of all separation. However, when it came down to it, he was terrified and hide and cry, etc. Then we would reassure him (after giggles of course) and he would slowly emerge and be a part of it. Before getting worried about something else, of course!
Don’t Go Dino – From Skye Munroe of Nurturing Connections in Australia My friend’s son was going through separation anxiety and he really REALLY loved dinosaurs! So we did lots role play using the dinosaurs and one dino we actually ended up making DONT GO the dino … Lots of over the top dramatic expression from DONT GO every time another dino got a little far away …
Sad Puppy – Hannah Gauri Ma says, ”One of my daughter’s faves (which she initiated, really) was that she would hand me her favourite puppy (stuffed toy) and say, ‘bye, I am going to work’ and off she would go. I experimented with the puppy having different reactions (like being happy in ‘day care’, with me) but by far the one she most enjoyed and asked for over and over again was when the puppy cried and cried and cried while she was gone. Then she would come back and the puppy would be over the moon with excitement to see her. Rinse and repeat.”
Stuck together with glue –Hand in Hand instructor Rachel Schofield says. To be played anytime with clingy child + good for kid who find separation difficult. You have an imaginary pot of glue “hey I’m going to stick myself to you so you can’t get away from me” paint glue on them and stick your arm/hand on and go every where they go, holding on tight and refusing to let go. Follow laughs. They might enjoy you being that close or insist you get unstuck (so you pretend to get upset). Let them guide the direction. As with role reversal the aim is for YOU to be the one wanting to be with them and not wanting them to go – this is refreshing and gives them a chance to feel powerful.
Mummy Hands and Baby Hands – My daughter went through a phase where she wanted to role play that her hands were the baby hands, and mine were the mummy’s. She had just started playgroup, and this was quite a ‘clingy’ game. Then I realised I could help her laugh and release tension, by telling the baby hands that they couldn’t run away too far, or climb too high etc. etc. She loved acting out the ‘naughty’ baby hands that would run away laughing, and I would catch her up, and say in a playful ‘telling off’ voice, ”no, no,no, baby hands that’s too far, you need to stay close to your mummy.”
Silly Scenarios – My 4-year old daughter was going to be babysat by a friend of mine for the first time, and I could tell she was feeling a bit nervous about it. So I decided to make up some silly stories about how she was going to get back. So I told her that our imaginary friend who lives in the clouds, would make an aeroplane out of clouds to pick her up and take her home. Then I told her that if she dug a hole in our friend’s carpet she would find an underground tunnel that led back to our house. Or if she ran a bath in our friend’s bathroom, it would turn into a warm river and she could swim home. Or that my friend had a horse in the garden that she could ride home. Each time I’d tell her a silly scenario she would laugh and then ask me to say a new one. When my friend arrived to pick her up, she told her she was going to go in a tunnel to her house. She had a big smile on her face, and was much more upbeat about going with her.
Separation at bedtime – Separation fears often come up at bedtime and this can be a great time to play. How about reversing the roles and getting your child to ”put you to bed,” with you seemingly going along with it. They can shut your bedroom door and run away. Then you jump up and open the door, acting all surprised saying ”hey, did you just put me to bed? I’m not ready for bed yet!” This can be a great one to play also with 2 children as conspiring against you can help diffuse sibling rivalry.
After separations: “The checklist game” – Look all over their body to check everything is still there, such as legs, arms, bogies, love, and anything funny and silly that you can think of From Chiara Rossetti, featured in Marion Rose’s Attachment Play course – which has all sorts of fun games to increase connection and help with family challenges.

I hope you enjoy this list of games. If you try them out do let us know how you get on in the comments, and if you have any fun ways of dealing with separation we’d love to hear from you!

For more support you can claim your free Ultimate Guide To Separation Anxiety from Hand in Hand here And check out Hand in Hand parentings online self study course for Separation Anxiety.

5 Tips For Having Fun Playing With Your Kids

Posted on January 16, 2016June 9, 2017 by Kate Orson

A few weeks ago, some friends came over who have a ten-year old daughter who my daughter loves playing with. Watching the two of them play together made me reflect on just how much stamina children have for playing with each other. They could carry on for hours. For me on the other hand, after a while I get drained and ‘bored’ by play. I desperately want to do something other than play, like tidy up the house, clean the kitchen, or zone out on my computer.

But I also know that deep down my feelings are not really because I find my daughter’s play ‘boring’ or because I can’t play or don’t like to play. Actually I love spending her time in her imaginary world, sharing her joy and creativity. But I do get drained after a while.

Why is play so hard for us? Is it because we know we’ve got a million and one jobs to do in our busy lives? For sure. but there’s more to it than that.We all have moments in our days when we get triggered by our children. Play can often be one of those times. We start to feel exhausted, we start to feel stressed, we find it hard to muster the enthusiasm.

Play is hard because when we were children our parents may not have spent hours playing with us. They may have been busy just getting on with things, and may not have understand how important it was simply to be there with us. There may have been times when we wished they could give us more quality attention. We may have given up even expecting it.

When we spend time with our children, it’s as if we have an invisible river of our own childhood memories running through us. We not be conscious of these memories, but they are there, beneath the surface, often getting triggered when we are stressed or overwhelmed. So when our child says ”play with me,” we can often feel reluctant to leap up and join them because we have our own hurt child inside of us who didn’t get all the play and connection we needed.

But there’s nothing innately non-playful about any of us. We can recover our natural joy and have fun playing with our kids.

Here are a few things that you can try.

Have some grown up fun! Recovering our own sense of fun, can be really helpful. Go to a live music or comedy gig. Have drinks with friends. Dance to the songs you loved when you were younger. Life gets pretty serious sometimes for adults. But it doesn’t have to be.
Have some listening time – Exchanging time talking and listening with another parent about how parenting is going. Tell your listening partner how much you ‘hate’ playing with your kids. Talk, moan, even scream into a pillow about how hard it is. Have a laugh or cry if you need to. After expressing your feelings with a partner you may find that these feelings are not your thoughts, and that you actually don’t hate playing. Yo may just need to release some of your own emotional baggage to find the joy in it.
Play in short bursts. Don’t give yourself a hard time, or pretend to enjoy playing when you aren’t actually in the mood. Your child will pick up on your feelings, and it’s likely neither of you will have much fun. Instead try shorts bursts of special time, (1-1 time with a child doing something of their choice) that feel manageable to you. Even 5 minutes can deepen the connection with your child, and make you both feel better. You can gradually extend your capacity for play, as you get listened to, and work through your feelings about play.
Let your agenda slide. If possible try to have some lazy days where you aren’t running around, and can just hang out and enjoy the company of your children. Is there anything non-essential you can leave off your to-do list? Get some ready meals in and leave the washing up till tomorrow. I always find I’m at my most playful when we’re at home with little to do. After I’ve nurtured myself with adult company, and my cup is full I’ll try to have a mellow day at home where we just chill out, connect and play.
Have some adult-to-adult special time – The first time I tried special time with another adult I was amazed how much fun it was, and how novel it felt to have someone shine their attention on me while I got do whatever I wanted. You can try this with a friend or your partner, so that you can nourish yourself with the deep sense of connection that you want to give your children.

I hope these tips help you to enjoy playing with your kids. I love hearing from you, so please feel free to leave a comment about how you get on.

For more tips on play and connection with your kids, check out my book Tears Heal: How to listen to our children.

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20 Playful Ways To Help Picky Eaters

Posted on January 14, 2016May 19, 2016 by Kate Orson

When it comes to picky eating it can be hard to find a solution that is fun, connected and playful. On the one extreme we can simply let our child survive off yoghurt and spaghetti with tomato sauce, with underlying worries about their nutrition. On the other extreme we can try the ‘threat of starvation’ approach where we just put their dinner down in front of them and refuse to give any other options.

In desperation we may have tried either or both of these approaches, but never felt completely comfortable with them. Luckily there is is a third way that can help with the underlying root cause of picky eating.

Often when children are experiencing fears or anxiety, they may project it onto food. So when a child scrunches up their nose at broccoli, and seems fearful, it may not be the food that is the ultimate cause of their fear.

Children gather stress, and tension from the early experiences in their lives when they felt small and helpless. They use little everyday moments, to try and ‘tell’ us about these feelings through their behaviour.

When we learn to listen to our children’s feelings, we are doing the most compassionate thing possible, allowing them to express their upset so that they grow in confidence. That plate of peas won’t look so scary when it’s no longer clouded by a mind full of upset.

I remember one time listening to my daughter cry about separation anxiety. After that we had dinner, and she started eating potatoes and cheese, two foods she had never tried before!

It’s not just about the food. When we help our children with feelings in life in general we can help them be more adventurous with their food, and when we help our children with food we may see leaps and gains in their lives.

Where the laughter comes in. Laughter is one of the ways in which children (and adults!) release the stress, tension and fear that can get in the way of them enjoying food. We also want to give children a sense of freedom and choice in life. We don’t want to set limits every single dinnertime. which might quickly lead to powerlessness and resentment. We want to warm up the connection with our child through special time and playlistening so that dinner time is fun, and so they feel safe to tell us about the big feelings that can also get in the way of enjoying food.

Listening to big feelings can be challenging, and coming up with fun, playful ways to deal with it can be even more difficult!

So I asked my friends and fellow Hand in Hand instructors to contribute to this list of fun playlistening ideas to help children with their fears around food. These are a great starting point to follow your intuition, and see what makes your kids laugh while they are in the more powerful role. Your dinner might get a bit cold while you try these out, and if taken to extreme some of these can get a little wild.

But there’s a big advantage. When we invest the time to listen to feelings and fears, it means that in the long run, dinners go much more smoothly. Your child doesn’t need to have a gigantic play every dinner time, (thankfully because I wouldn’t have the energy!) but laughter sprinkled here and there helps a lot, and perhaps you can have a bit of extra fun at the weekends.

Sometimes as my daughter laughs and play games, she ‘forgets’ to be afraid of the food, and ends up eating it. We get closer to the food together in a connected, fun way that takes the pressure off. I wish you many joyful, laughter-filled dinnertimes!

Special Time – Roma Norriss Hand in Hand instructor in Bristol, UK recommends doing it before dinner. In the rush to prepare food we probably aren’t thinking about connecting with our kids. If you can keep the dinner warm and then spend 10-15 minutes doing special time then this can give children the close connection they need to feel safe to try new food. Roma says, ”My very fussy daughter has been known to tuck heartily into her food and even exclaim “Mmmn delicious Quinoa!” when she has had a good dose of Special Time.”
Yuck – In this classic game we simply reverse roles and pretend that we are scared of the food. Bring our fork up to our mouth, and make a suspicious face. Try it and make exaggerated yucky sounds. Run away from it. We might even encourage our child to feed us this disgusting food by saying, ”I hope you don’t make me eat this horrible food.”
Mmmmmm Take bites of your food while looking a bit sceptical that it’s going to be tasty. As you chew it say ”mmmmm.”Gradually ramp up your surprise and delight at how delicious the food is with a big long ”mmmmmm” sound. Make some animated movement to express how tasty it is. Perhaps you run around around the room in a crazy manner, and then come back and say, ”oh sorry, that food just sent me a bit crazy for a moment.”
Escaping Food. Roma Norriss says, ”One day my daughter wouldn’t eat her food, so I put some on her spoon and then zigzagged it away from her plate saying ”Help! Some of our food had escaped from our shopping basket. It’s rolling down the hill and I’m afraid that little stray dog is going to eat it. Quick save the tomatoes.” She immediately took me up on the game and started woofing after the food and trying to eat it. Then I changed tack and said, “Oh she’s a nice doggy shall we just feed her, I don’t think she has any owners, we could take care of her.” Soon she had eaten up all her food.
Seat Glue Hand in Hand instructor Sarah MacLaughlin has a fun suggestion for children who are finding it hard to sit still. Pretend to spread glue on the chair before they sit. When they get up; act confused as to why your glue is not working, “that is so strange! I guess I’ll put some more glue on here…. Hurry, see if you can eat a bite of food before that glue wears off.” Lots of laughs, smiles, and “phooey” and “oh darn it,” when they get up again and again. Add “stronger glue” each time.
Run Away From Your Seat Katalin Hidvegi, says, ”My eldest son is constantly running away from the table with food in his hands. One day we were playing, and he shared some “cakes” with me from his toys. I pretended to eat my cake, and hubby came to ask us to go to the table. My son and I started running away from him together. We pretend to sit on the coach eating together as allies. Hubby played his part well, complaining and insisting that we move to the table, then taking our cakes away. We would obediently sit down at the table but then jump up and run to the couch again. It was hilarious. My son laughed heartily and I enjoyed it too. Great healing laughter and togetherness. Great autonomy(rebellion) experience for both of us too!
Missing Your Mouth I have to thank my mother-in-law for this one! Try to put food in your mouth but instead, ‘feed’ your ears, your armpits, the top of your head, your foot. Keep saying, ”oh no! That’s not right, let me try again.”
Mis-serving Food. If the food is in the middle of the table to serve out, try mis-serving it by nearly putting a spoonful into your water glass. Catch yourself, ”oh whoops! That’s not right.”
Flying Food – The food gets on a spoon or a fork (with a little help from us) and says, ”This is my aeroplane and I’m flying to Australia/America/Europe, and I’m not coming back!” We mock panic, and say ”oh no,” and ‘chase’ after it.
Food Stealing – From Hand in Hand instructor Muftiah Martin in Santa Rosa California, I’ll say, “Ooh, I love eggplant (or mushrooms or beans) so much. I hope no one takes my eggplant when I’m not looking.” And she snatches it up!
Food Robbers – Jessica says, ”I tell my kids that a robber is coming to steal their food. Then we look away and then they quickly take a piece and eat it really quickly.”
Secret Eating From Hand in Hand instructor Skye Monroe in Australia. Put their plates down with food at the table and say “ok I don’t want ANYONE to eat ANY of this food .. Please do NOT eat this.. I just want you to look after it for me for a bit while I grab something from the bedroom.” Walk away for a bit and come back and see they have eaten and with mock horror exclaim “oh no it looks like someone has eaten this food ?! That can’t be right ?!”
Doll Roleplay – Stephanie Parker, Hand in Hand instructor in Stroud UK.says, ”I pretend Innes’s dolls and animals don’t want to eat their dinner and then Innes steps into being the parent and setting the limit and encouraging them to eat. She loves this.”
Food Race – From Muftiah Martin, ”We do “who’s going to get this bite of food first?” as I lean in toward my daughter and pass the spoon near both of our mouths. She is always faster!” .
The Wrong Seat – If each family member sits down in a regular seat, then you can get a few giggles flowing by sitting down in the wrong one. Take a fork and start to eat a mouthful of dinner then stop saying, ”hang on, something’s not quite right here. This is not my dinner. I’m in daddy’s seat!”
Random Objects Instead Of A Plate – Lay the table, and put everyone’s dinner out. But put a funny object in your place. Then when everyone’s come to dinner and you sit down, say ”hmmm, why have I got a magazine for my dinner?” Try to eat it, and then act all disappointed, ”hmmm that doesn’t seem very tasty! I better go and get my proper dinner.” Repeat with objects, the more outlandish the better. Putting some toothpaste on your placemate, or a (clean!) potty, is bound to get your child laughing hysterically. You can even ask them to join in the fun by saying, ”Would you mind getting me my proper dinner?” And then mutter to yourself, ”I hope they don’t bring me anything silly,” literally inviting them to join in.
Funny things on my spoon – I started this game when I was eating Minestrone soup, and every spoonful would have a different variation of food. So when I got a spoonful of green peas, I would say to my daughter, ”oh dear. What’s this on my spoon. This looks a bit strange,” and pretend to be afraid of it. Then I would eat the spoonful and it would have a funny effect on me, making me jump around, or swing back on my chair, or make my face go into a funny expression. Then I’d say ”oh sorry, that strange spoonful turned my face funny,” and straighten it out again.” My daughter kept encouraging me to keep taking spoonfuls saying excitedly, ”go on, see what’s on your spoon next!” I tried this the other day when I was eating curry, and there was a green bit of coriander on my fork. I looked at my fork and said, ”what’s that? A leaf? Why did daddy put a leaf in my curry?” She laughed a lot.
Eat me. Eat me. Have the food say ”eat me! eat me!” to your child says Hannah Gauri Ma From Loving Earth Mama. Then the food pretends to get all sad if it doesn’t get eaten. I have also tried with this one with food that wants to get eaten by me instead. If you have some small items, like nuts or raisins, or peas, then have them come near your mouth, and then you take them away and put them down again. Act all annoyed and frustrated in a playful way, telling them that you’re not hungry, or don’t want to eat them, and then have them try to be eaten all over again.
Aeroplane Game – This is a variation of the traditional aeroplane game of feeding your child. Load up a fork with food and have it take off to your child’s or your own mouth, But instead of landing there it lands in your mouth instead, or it flies and lands on top of the fridge, in the fruit bowl, or the kitchen counter. Act all muddled and confused and say, ”oh no, that’s not where I meant to land,” and try again, failing every single time.
Food that doesn’t want to be eaten – Serve out your food, and then have it say, ”I don’t want to be eaten, I’m going back in the saucepan/fridge, etc.” Have the plate or individual pieces of food jump off the table, and jump back into the saucepan. Say ”hey, that’s my/my child’s dinner, come back here, we need you,” and act all befuddled as you keep trying to serve it but it keeps running away.

I hope this list bring lots of laughter and joy to your dinner table. If you try them out feel free to leave a comment and let us know how you get on. If you come up with any games of your own, we’d love to hear them!

25 Tips For Having Fun Tidying Up With Kids

Posted on January 9, 2016May 11, 2016 by Kate Orson

Hand in Hand instructor Skye Marilyn Munroe‘s family in playful tidying up mode! Her son throws items of wet washing to his dad, and he then hangs the on the line.

We all want to live in a tidy house but it’s not easy with kids around. We have a lot of responsibilities in our busy lives, and it’s hard to enjoy chores. They probably didn’t seem fun when we were young, and we can pass on these negative associations to our children.

In her article about chores here, Patty Wipfler explains that we often assume children should do their chores alone as most of us had to do when we were young. However work is so much more fun, and enjoyable when we can work together. So put the emphasis on fun and connection, and the chores get done as if by magic!

Here are 20 fun tips for tidying up with your kids. Thanks to my friends, Hand in Hand instructors and and parent educators who have shared what works in their household.

Do special time beforehand. Connection breeds co-operation so our children are much more likely to enjoy helping us out if we’ve spent some time doing what they love.
Have a clean up song, Deanna and her son sing this together, ”Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere. Clean up clean up everybody do your share.” I sang this with my daughter and also added in some silly verses, like ”put mummy’s clothes in the bin” and then I would say in a playful horrified tone. ”Oh dear! why I did I sing that. I don’t want my clothes in the bin!” My daughter found this hilarious. Laughter is a great way to increase co-operation, and all the giggles release tension and grumpiness.
Song Race – Ariadne Brill from Positive Parenting Connection says, ”We like to race against some of our favourite songs. One of our favourite chore songs is a astronaut and space song so sometimes my youngest will also put on a space helmet to put her laundry into her closet or to dry dishes.
Playlistening – The art of getting our kids laughing while we’re in the less powerful role, is the perfect way to get the chores done. There’s lots of possible ways to incorporate playlistening into your tidying up fun. Stephanie Parker, Hand in Hand instructor in the UK recommends saying in a loud, playful voice, ”there is so much to tidy up, but there’s no way I am going to do it. I am going to sit here and do nothing instead.” Then get your child to force you to tidy up, with lots of giggles to release any tension about tidying!
Making Mistakes Tidying – Playlistening is all about making mistakes and doing so while tidying is a recipe for a giggle fest. So put away your forks in the fridge or your milk in the dishwasher, and then exclaim, ”oh no! I didn’t mean to do that.” This even works for the under two’s and is ideal for clingy little ones that won’t let you tidy up. This can make tidying up take a little longer, but in the long run it can build the close connections children need to play independently while we got on with tidying.
Soapy water mop up Julianne Idleman says, ‘My daughter used to love to be given a dish pan of soapy water to splash around with on a floor that needed mopping. Then she would happily mop up all the bubbles and all I had to do was the final sweep through to get the corners and make sure the bulk of the water was up.”
Shower or Bath Clean With Colourful Sponges ”My daughter would also happily scrub the (bottom half) of the shower glass as long as she got to be in there naked playing with colorful sponges while she did it. Drawing soapy pictures on the shower walls was always a good way to get them an eventual clean.” – Julianne Idleman
Shoe Mops. Parent educator Sarah MacLaughlin recommends these fun shoe mops, to give mopping the floor a bit of novelty value.
Tidying Emergency – We have a toy ambulance with a siren, so sometimes I turn it on and say, ”emergency! There’s a giant mess, somebody save us now!”
Tidy up your child – If you’re tidying up, pass by your child and say, ”hmm what needs tidying up, perhaps this”’ and start to pick up your child, and then say ”oh whoops! sorry, that’s (insert child’s name). I don’t need to tidy you up!” The laughter and connection can help your child feel upbeat about helping.
Have some sort of vehicle that can deliver objects. My daughter has a scooter with a small basket that hangs on the handlebars. She loves playing ‘tidying up scooter’ where I search for objects and put them in her basket while she delivers them to the right place. My daughter will even stop watching TV to play ‘tidying up scooter.’ It has been a tidying miracle for us.
Reverse Psychology – Roma Norriss, Hand in Hand instructor in Bristol, UK says to her kids – “I’d be SO shocked if some elves came and tidied up this room… I’m just going upstairs for a minute.” And then I come back and fall over with surprise.”
Gadgets and Spraying, Anything that involves spraying and my kids are in. Also the mini-hoover is a huge hit at the mo. It is all about the gadgets for them, says Hannah Gauri Ma, from Loving Earth Mama, in the UK.
Animate Objects – My daughter is much more likely to put things away if I animate them asking to be tidied up. For example when she takes her shoes off and throws them down in the middle of the floor, I pick up the mummy shoe, and say, ”Oh where are my baby shoes, I want them close to me on the shoe rack!”
Dirty Laundry Basketball – ”We pretend that the dirty washing is the basketball, and the laundry basket is the hoops,” says Deanna Lobbi
Have A Tidying Up Party Parenting coach Torsten Klaus of Dad’s Talk Community says, ”Turn the music up, have a dance with the vacuum cleaner and wear the kitchen apron on your head. In no time your offspring want to join in and help. Believe me. Yes, you look silly. But that’s part of the parenting, isn’t it?”
Fairies For Extreme Mess – Skye Marilyn Munroe of Nurturing Connections says, ”If things are out of control messy in my home I do mock gasp “oh nooo the mess monsters have been again , please please cleaning fairies come & help us ! We pop on some wings and clean together.”
Vacuum Kids Suzy says, ”I used to “plug” my kids in like they were a vacuum and send them off to pick up toys. Also pretending that the bag or box is hungry for the toys and say “yum, yum” when things are put in.”
Tidying Up Cupboard Monster – (or other less scary animal) – Pretend there is a very hungry monster living in your cupboard/draw that needs to be fed with the right things , says Jessica.
Jigsaw Puzzle ”Some toys (like blocks) actually become an interesting puzzle to put back into a box in a way that fits and we often comment how that is the best bit.” Says Hannah Gauri Ma of Loving Earth Mama
Setting Limits – Okay so setting limits might not sound like much fun, but with Hand in Hand parenting, it can be a way to build closer connections and actually can involve some fun and laughter! When we see that our children are old enough to take responsibility for helping with chores there may be times that they can’t get motivated. Sometimes it can help to set a limit, and listen to the feelings under the surface that make it hard for them to find the joy in daily tasks.
Washing Delivery – My husband gives my daughter clean washing bit by bit and she delivers it to the right bedroom using her tidying up scooter. Yesterday evening, I was in our bedroom feeling really tired and she kept coming in with more washing for me to put away. I kept playfully complaining, ”oh no, please, I’m so tired, please don’t bring me any more washing,” and of course this only encouraged her to bring me more and more washing while laughing with delight! I hid under the covers and told her I was hiding so I didn’t have to do anymore, and she threw washing on top of me and ran away laughing. The play got a bit wild, but this isn’t a bad thing. Giving our children the freedom to be ‘naughty’ in a controlled way, while we are there to connect with them and get the giggle flowing, helps them get behaviour out of their system and get back on track.
Recycling Team Ariadne Brill from Positive Parenting Connection ”We build a chain passing paper and bottles for example from the storage area to the front of the house on pick up day. Working together like this keeps everyone motivated and more likely to play along.”
Laminated Cards. Hand in Hand instructor Sabina Veronelli from Melbourne Australia says, ”We use a Montessori inspired idea. We have created sets of laminated cards, every set has one task broken down into steps (eg for doing laundry: carrying laundry basket, loading washing machine, the cycle to choose, the amount of laundry liquid in its dispenser, close door, press on. ). So, when it is time to clean, we divide numbers of chores equally. My son is able to be independent, while I don’t need to repeat how to do things, which can trigger me. This gives me the energy, to staylisten, playlisten or set limits if I need to, to get the chores done.”
Tidy up for them.There will be times when we just want to get the job done, and that’s okay. Children love to imitate us. Tidying up for them can actually be a great model. And if do have the energy to do it in a fun, joy-filled way, they may just want to join in too!

I hope this list inspires you. If you try them out please let us know how you get on in the comments below, and If you have any other playful games that worked for you we’d love to hear them!

Laughter Is The Best Medicine

Posted on January 6, 2016 by Kate Orson

swinggiggles2

A new post from my archives!

It was a difficult morning as my 15 month old daughter and I were both ill, but I’d had some listening time the night before so I did feel a sense of wellbeing too. I’d recently trained as a laughter yoga, leader and discovered the amazing boost to our immune system that laughter gives us. I was hoping I could fill our day with laughter to help us both recover.

I had to take down the washing off the line. My daughter just sat on the floor looking at me and I was worried she was still ill, as usually she likes to crawl around and explore when we go to the washing room. I started pulling the clothes down suddenly and being surprised. My daughter laughed a lot at this. I kept putting things back on the line again, and then pulling them down again and again as she laughed. Then she started crawling around, and handing me clothes, so I would put them back on and pull them off again. I would put four or five things up on the line, and then point at them, and tell them in a pretend stern voice to ‘’stay’’ and then act playfully angry and surprised when they fell off. She found this hilarious. I felt reassured that she was on the mend if she had the energy to laugh. And what I love about Playlistening is how it interrupts my daily chores, so that I’m no longer worried about how I’m going to get things done with a baby around. I’m simply enjoying being with her and laughing.

Later my daughter was hungry, and I put her in her high chair to give her a snack. She didn’t like what I gave her, and kept pointing towards the fruit bowl. I knew what she wanted was oranges, her favourite food, but we didn’t have any more.

I was feeling a bit stressed that she didn’t want to eat anything else, and also worried as if my daughter would be breastfeeding forever! But I really wanted to maintain my good feeling, and not become overwhelmed by everything.

For some reason I needed to count something and I forget what, but I made a fist with my hand and then just kept opening it one finger at a time, and counting out loud. When I opened up my thumb, I would stare at my hand and jump backwards as if surprised at how all my fingers had appeared. She found this really funny. Then I remembered a game I’d tried a few weeks ago where I would try to open the fridge door, and pull and pull as if it was stuck. Then it would spring open, and I’d fly backwards across the kitchen This was one joke that hadn’t worn off, so I repeated it a few times.

I had cooked some pasta, to give her as a snack later, and I suddenly had the idea to throw individual pieces around the room, and be surprised where they landed. She laughed at this too! Then I decided to hand her pieces, but then accidentally drop them before I gave them to her. I love how when I get in the flow of playlistening, new ideas keep coming to me, and I can use my intuition well to know what will make her laugh.

Then I actually gave her a piece of pasta, and she ate it. I felt relieved that she was finally eating. So I gave her some more, which she threw on the floor. So this became our next game. I would put pasta on the table, and then beg her not to throw it, or rush over and try and stop her. She laughed a lot and gleefully through it on the floor. In between this game, she was eating pasta as well.

When she threw her apple on the floor I set a limit, and told her I was going to throw it in the bin. I was worried that it would have germs on as it had fallen on the floor a few times already. She then started to cry, so I moved close to her and put my arm around her as she sat in the highchair. We’d did a few minutes of staylistening, and I could see she was getting tired. I took her to the bedroom, and she fell asleep really easily. I have since learned that laughing actually helps release the sleep hormone melatonin, so it’s no wonder!

10 Ways That Laughter Can Transform Your Day

Posted on January 4, 2016May 12, 2016 by Kate Orson

In our lives with a young child there may be many challenging moments, that make us feel stressed out, serious and frustrated, getting locked in a power struggle with our kids. A lot of these occur when we want our child to do something that they don’t want to do. The more we try to force the issue the more our child resists.

Hand in Hand parenting, is all about redistributing the power balance, being flexible with our kids, and then seeing their own flexibility and natural co-operation shining through.

Playlistening is what we call it, when we put ourselves in the less powerful role, to get the giggles going. Laughter releases the tension our child feels and builds connection between ourselves and our child. After a bit of laughter our child is often much more likely to co-operate with us. It’s a powerful effective way to get out of a power struggle and on with the day.

Here are ten awkward moments where laughter can save the day. Repeat as necessary until the giggles (or you!) are exhausted.

Getting Dressed – If you’re toddler’s refusing to get dressed it can leave you feeling irritated and impatient, but luckily there’s plenty of fuel for giggles in the dressing process. Try putting on a ‘serious,’ voice and say, ”come on now lets put these trousers on’ and end up putting them on their arms. Put their socks on their hands, or their pants on their head. Put their cardigan on back to front, or their feet in the arm holes. Children absolutely love it when we make mistakes. It helps to build their confidence when they can be the competent one, telling us that we are getting it all wrong. And then they’ll be sure to tell us the right way to put on their clothes, and maybe even co-operate!
Brushing Hair – When my daughter refused to let me brush her hair she would instantly change her mind if a teddy or doll wanted to do it. Somehow the teddy was always much more gentle than me, and never accidentally pulled too hard. If a bit of laughter is needed try brushing your child’s hair with other household objects like a spoon or a sock, and then exclaim, ”Oh dear! That’s not a hairbrush, I keep getting it wrong.”
Getting Out of The House – Grab a teddy or doll, and try to put your child’s coat and shoes on. Take them to do the door, and say ”come on (child’s name) it’s time to go,” then suddenly realise your mistake, and exclaim, ‘oh dear, that’s not the right person! Let me try again.”
During Mealtimes – Toddler’s can be fussy, and often their fears and anxieties can be projected onto food. Put yourself in the less powerful role, by being playfully afraid of your food. Pick up a fork of food, scrunch up your nose and ”oooh I don’t know what this strange food is.” Or try picking food up with your fork, and keep dropping it by ‘mistake.’ Or try feeding your ears or nose, and then exclaim with mock frustration that you keep getting it wrong. After a few giggles your toddler may forget all about being cautious and get on with the meal.
If your toddler is having trouble sharing – then grab an object and say invitingly, this is my car/doll/toy, and I don’t want anyone to take it off me. Let your child creep up to you, grab the object and run away. Chase them but always let them win, so they are the powerful role. Repeat with another object or the same one if they put it down. This and similar games help your child to release competitive feelings and be more generous with friends.
When your toddler’s being clingy – Say, ”oh there’s a baby stuck to me, how did she get there? ” Try to unstick yourself but always let them win. As you shower them in playful affection, they can release their clingyness with giggles.
If your toddler is aggressive – then turn the tables around, and let them fight you. Playfully catch their kicks, or punches, have a pillow fight, or try some roughousing which has been shown to reduce aggression in children. Giving children an outlet for their feelings in play with you, means they don’t need to bring them up with other children.
When your toddler is whiny or moaning, or complaining abut being bored – Have a clothes fight! Grab some clothes, and divide family members into teams. Have one team on a bed trying to throw clothes onto the floor, and another team on the floor trying to throw the clothes onto the bed. This is a great mood shifter. Let the fun and giggles commence!
Cleaning Teeth – Pretend to clean your kids ears, or nose, and keep exclaiming that you are getting it wrong. Or try to brush your kid’s teeth and end up with a flying toothbrush that keeps landing in surprising places like the bath, sink, or even another room instead of your child’s mouth.
Bedtime – When there’s still time to play in the evening, put your child into their bed, and then say invitingly, ”I hope you don’t get out of bed ” and leave the door open, as you leave. Let them run out of the room and appear. Act all surprised and then say, ”oh dear, I better get you back to bed again.” Repeat until any excess energy or tension has disappeared, and your child is happy to go to sleep for real. Laughter induces melatonin the sleep hormone, so this is the perfect way to end the day.

I hope this list makes your day go more smoothly. Are there any other scenarios that you’d like a ‘laughter cure’ for? Leave me a comment, and I’ll try to think up some games!

For more info about the Hand in Hand approach to aggression check out their online self-study course, Help Your Child With Aggression.