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Listening to a Fear of Dogs

Posted on by Kate Orson

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My daughter Ruby has often been a little wary of dogs as she isn’t in close contact with them very often. One morning while I was out a friend and her dog Mickey came over to visit my husband. My husband told me how Ruby was in her playroom at the time so didn’t realise Mickey was in the house. Mickey went into her playroom, and Ruby immediatly came out and started pulling all of her toys, and books off the coffee table, in a very sulky manner.

My husband picked her up and asked her ‘‘did Mickey give you a fright, and she burst into tears, and cried for a few minutes.

By the time I came back she was showing no signs of being afraid, and she was playing alongside him very happily.

My husband told me the story, and I was so glad that he was able to look beneath her off-track behaviour, and find the deeper reason, rather than simply tell her off for making a mess.

It was a great reminder of why when our children do something that we could label as bad behaviour, it’s really them telling us, that they have some upset feelings. If we step in and listen, they don’t need to tell us how they are feeling by tearing the place apart, and making a big mess. They’d actually rather just cry in our arms and get all of those yucky feelings out.

Later when we were getting ready to go outside for a walk, Ruby gave Mickey a little stroke. They were becoming friends.

Holiday Tears

Posted on by Kate Orson

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What is it about holidays with children? Sometimes the lows are often as big as the highs. In Hand in Hand’s Building Emotional Understanding course Patty Wipfler talks about the ‘Spoiled Outing’ phenomenon, where children often end up in tears and tantrums at the end of a day spent having fun with their parents.

They soak up all that close connection. We’re no longer rushing around getting ready for work, or school. We have less household chores to do, and our children have a sixth sense for when we are available to listen. Happy times bring up memories, and hurt feelings, from all the times when life wasn’t so perfect. And it’s always sad when these perfect days come to an end.

Holidays can also be unsettling, particularly for younger children. As much as toddlers get excited by the new, they also like familiarity. New beds, new food, and new people, can easily make them feel overwhelmed. Holidays aren’t so much fun, when our children start waking early, get fussy about what they eat, and show other signs that they are struggling with all the change. One of the things I love most about Parenting by Connection, is that it helps our children adapt to changes, and be flexible. I’ve really come to understand that children who have their feelings listened to feel safe wherever they go, providing they have that deep sense of human connection. They don’t have to rely on the routine, of having the right bed, or the right comforter, to feel safe. They feel a more internal sense of safety, because they can release all their feelings of fear and upset, through the healing power of laugher and tears.

We’re having a lovely time on holiday in Cornwall with my in-laws, and my daughter is really enjoying all the extra attention, good weather, and freedom to play outside. She’s getting giggly in the evenings, running around with a ball, and finding lots of things to laugh about. There’s also been a fair share of tears. She’s cried because the peanut butter here in England is a different colour to the one in Switzerland, and she’s cried because we had to leave the beautiful sandy beach where she’d been playing all day.

My daughter was enjoying the novelty of having a TV in the cottage we were staying at, as at home, we only watch videos on the computer. Every morning she’d been in a routine of getting up and watching TV first thing. For a few days we let her, but I was starting to sense that we were feeling disconnected from each other. I was using the TV as an excuse to get on with things by myself, and she needed my connection. So today, when she woke up, I told her we would do a ‘no TV special time.’ We spent a lovely time with her pretending to be a baby and then eating breakfast outside in the garden.

Later I had to do a bit of work so her dad was going to take her to the beach, and she started crying. She said didn’t want to go to the beach, and she wanted to stay with me. I decided to set a limit about it. The trip would only be for an hour, and then she would get to spend the rest of the day with me. I was pretty sure the feelings were coming up, not because she needed quality time with me, but because she’d already had it! The special time we’d had earlier in the morning was like me saying, ”hello, I’m ready to listen now.” So the tears were coming up. She cried for a while, and in between crying, she began laughing, pulling a big cushion on the sofa, and then throwing it down the stairs. Soon she was just laughing and then she picked up her clothes to and bag to get ready to go out. Smiling, and completely at ease, all of that refusal to go out completely gone.

Sometimes a moment of upset is just like a ‘broken cookie,’ it’s not really about the thing that’s happening but it’s just a trigger for feelings to come out. We shouldn’t rush our children into doing something they don’t want to do, but we can set a limit, and see how things look when our child’s mind isn’t clouded with feelings. In this case my daughter was happy to go to the beach, when she was feeling happy again.

If I hadn’t of set a limit and let her stay with me, she wouldn’t have found that happiness beyond the sadness. I’d have been feeling resentful that I didn’t get the time to work that I desperately needed. And she wouldn’t have had that help she needed to process her feelings, to learn what so many of us adults never learnt, that bad feelings, don’t have to linger, for days, weeks or years. As the spiritual teacher Osho said, emotions, should be ‘in motion.’ They are meant to flow, not get stuck.

My in-laws are often commenting on how ‘good’ my daughter is. How relaxed and calm she is, and also how she doesn’t cry. On the occasions she has cried when they’re around they have acted surprised saying, ”oh she does cry after all!” I don’t like the use of the word ‘good’ in this way, as all children are good, even when they are having a hard time emotionally. But the secret is, that I learnt this amazing tool of listening to her cry, until she is ready to stop. So her feelings don’t come out in itty bitty ways throughout the day, but are over in a moment. Most of the time my daughter chooses to cry, when she’s alone with me or her dad, where she senses that we have the space and availability to listen. Then she feels light enough to go out into the world with a smile on her face.

Want to read more about holidays and feelings? Check out these articles from Hand in Hand Parenting.

Holiday Meltdowns

Parenting During the Holidays

 

Remembering the language of children

Posted on by Kate Orson

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Yesterday morning we were due to leave the house and go to visit some friends. My daughter didn’t want to go and was quite adamant about it. I was surprised, as she normally loves visiting her friends, and enjoys going out. She’d had plenty of downtime at home this week, and I felt like we both needed to get out and be sociable. I was concerned that there were some upset feelings, making her feel like she didn’t want to leave the house. Should I listen to her, and just stay home like she appeared to want? I wasn’t sure I could face a long day at home without adult company!

I started explaining to her, explaining that we’d already said we would go, explaining that I didn’t want to let my friend down as she was cooking lunch for us, and explaining that I needed to get out of the house. I started trying to persuade her to do the things she need to leave the house, like go to the toilet as she hadn’t gone all morning. No response.

Then I snapped out of lecture mode.  I held her hand and found myself leading her into the bedroom, saying in a mock serious voice, ‘we need to go to the toilet,” and then ”oh no that’s not the toilet!!’ She laughed. Then I would lead her to the sofa, and say the same thing, then to the balcony, a cupboard or outside. She laughed and laughed at my inability to find the toilet, and then when we went into the bathroom. she was happy to go. Five minutes later we were out of the house! She had a great time with her friends, with much laughter and giggling, as they all jumped on the beds together. By the end of the visit she was asking if she could stay there for a sleepover!

We adults can get serious sometimes. We have a lot of responsibility and weight on our shoulders. It can be hard to meet everyone’s needs at the same time. But when we can find the laughter, play, and connection, we can often find co-operation and a solution that works for everyone.

So if you find yourself slipping into lecture mode, just remember the language of children, and put on your clown hat instead!

The Wrong Way

Posted on by Kate Orson

 

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I went to the supermarket with my daughter, and it was so frustrating! She was constantly picking up things from the shelves, and running away from me, which she found hilarious. I was not so amused, although I tried to let her have a good laugh about pulling some toilet rolls off the shelves, because I know that she needed to release some emotions. But my self-consciousness was getting the better of me, and I quickly rushed us away to pay.

We hadn’t been laughing much together recently, and I was wondering when my ‘laughter inspiration’ was going to strike. It seemed like I just couldn’t seem to think of anything to get her laughing, and it was showing in her behaviour. I felt like I was constantly being serious, and setting limits, which wasn’t making us feel very well connected. I was feeling stressed by her whining, and other off-track behaviour, such as shouting ‘bum bum’ and ‘poo poo’ very loudly when we were in public!

On the way to catch the train home, my daughter started complaining that I was going the wrong way, because I’d chosen to go a slightly shadier route to stay out of the sun. Suddenly I had an idea, I saw a flight of steps, and turned her buggy, so we suddenly stopped in front of them. ”Whoops! We went the wrong way.” I said, and she started giggling. We carried on walking for a bit, and I saw an alleyway, so I turned down there, ”oh no, the wrong way!” I said, and she was giggling again. We carried on the game for the whole journey, bumping into lampposts and fences, spinning the buggy round in a circle, or tipping it up as we made a sudden turning and went the wrong way. My daughter joined in pointing out ways, and saying ‘lets try this way,” and every time I exclaimed, ‘whoops, it’s the wrong way!” she laughed and laughed. When we got home, we were still going the wrong way, bumping into the wall in the basement, and stopping suddenly in front of a doorway instead of the elevator.  We felt much more happy and connected.

Laughter is such a vital connection tool, and I’ve seen time and time again, that after my daughter laughs a lot, tears will come later. Like the rain after the sunshine, it’s all part of our innate natural healing process, to get rid of all the yucky feelings we can get filled up with. I’m not always filled with laughter inspiration, and it can sometimes be emotionally exhausting listening to my daughter’s upsets. But it’s a million times more rewarding than having to deal with the kind of behaviours that drive me crazy, and leave me feeling stressed and exhausted anyway! Listening partnerships help a lot, we need to release stress, with laughter and tears too.

If you have a toddler, and want to brighten up your day a bit, why not try going the wrong way? I’d love to hear how it goes. A variation of this game is if you are walking on a shopping street, holding hands with your child, you could try going into the wrong shop, turning and then stopping outside different shops. It’s even more amusing and a bit naughty if the shop has automatic doors, and the benefit in a bit of ‘prescribed naughtiness,’ is that it improves our child’s co-operation the rest of the time. So maybe next time that trip to the supermarket won’t be so frustrating after all.

And if you’re stuck for laughter inspiration too, then check out this list of laughter games, which is fantastic for young children.

“I didn’t want THAT cookie!” –A StayListening Guest Post from Sarah MacLaughlin

Posted on by Kate Orson

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I had picked up my three-and-a-half year-old at preschool and we headed to a nicer café, you know, the kind where adult professionals are having coffee and potentially reviewing business documents. We were there to get a snack and spend some time together before heading home. Of course, the café was busy with people.

I lifted Joshua up and held him so he could peruse the cookie case and choose a treat. It was difficult for him to decide, and by the time he did I was nudging him and had grown a bit impatient. Eventually, we sat down; me with a lemon bar and him with a cranberry white chocolate cookie.

We sat, happily munching our snacks until Joshua’s cookie was about halfway gone. At this point he inexplicably stopped eating, set down his cookie, and said, “I didn’t want this cookie.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. That’s the cookie you chose.”

“I wanted the other one. This one is too sweet.”

“Well, you already ate half of this one.”

“No!!! I didn’t want this one!! I don’t like it!!!” As he flopped in his chair and the volume of his voice rose. I understood immediately that there would be no reasoning with my boy. I talked myself through some embarrassment with some reassuring self-talk—“Children are part of this community too. My three year-old is entitled to take up space and have feelings,” I repeated in my head.

I leaned in close and kindly told him,

“I’m so sorry you didn’t get the cookie you wanted. Next time you can pick a different one and I’ll be more patient while you choose. This is the only cookie for today.”

He started wailing and I calmly picked him up and carried him outside to our car. He kicked and screamed and I had to set him down in between my car and the next one to corral him. I crouched down to block him from running into the parking lot.

“I need to keep you safe,” I said.

Interestingly, I was concerned that people might think I had taken him outside to hurt, punish, or belittle him. I reminded myself that I was doing a good job. I got him safely into the backseat and then climbed in to join him.

He continued to kick and scream and he tried desperately to hit me. He said, “I want to hurt you,” “I hate you!” and, “I didn’t want that cookie,” over and over. I stayed near and blocked the blows while telling him,

“You are safe. I’m right here with you.”

After about fifteen minutes (that felt more like an hour) we mutually decided that he was ready to go back into the café because he wanted to eat the rest of his cookie. He also requested a glass of water to drink. We headed inside for both.

I was floored by his ability to reset and regulate once given the opportunity to offload a portion of big, messy feelings and restore his dignity with new choices and decisions.

Sarah MacLaughlin, LSW, is a certified Parenting by Connection Instructor near Portland, Maine. She is also a social worker, speaker, and author of the award-winning book: What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children. With a background in early childhood education, Sarah has worked with children and families for over twenty years. She is mom to a spirited five year-old boy who gives her plenty of opportunities to take her own advice. You can learn more about her work at www.sarahmaclaughlin.com.

 

Telling Your Life Story

Posted on by Kate Orson

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How we can overcome our present parenting challenges by telling stories about our past 

In Parenting by the Inside Out, Dan Siegal explains how the single most important factor that determines how well are children are attached to us, is our ability to tell a coherent life story of our own childhood. He explains the important fact that history does not have to repeat itself. No matter what challenges we experienced as a child, if we have made sense of our past, then it no longer comes to influence and dominate our present.

A coherent life story is one that is beyond simply labelling our childhood as ‘happy’ or ‘difficult,’ it is one that includes events and emotions, with an understanding of how both the positive and negative aspects of our childhood have formed us as adults, such as in this example (from this article by Siegal and Bryson)

 “My mother was always angry.  She loved us, there was never any doubt about that.  But her parents had really done a number on her.   Her dad worked all the time, and her mother was a closet alcoholic.  Mom was the oldest of six kids, so she always felt like she had to be perfect.  So she bottled everything up, and her emotions just boiled over anytime something went wrong.  My sisters and I usually took the brunt of it, sometimes even physically.  I worry that sometimes I let my kids get away with too much, and I think part of that is because I don’t want them to feel that pressure to be perfect.”

The good news is that history isn’t destined to repeat itself. If we can take some time to build a coherent narrative of our own childhood, we won’t pass down our emotional baggage to our own children.

If we take a look at any present difficulty in our parenting, we can almost always trace it’s roots back to our past, just as Patty Wipfler did in this story of how she began to form the Parenting by Connection approach. One important aspect of Parenting by Connection is the listening partnership, where two parents take time to talk and listen about how parenting is going. Since starting my first listening partnership when my daughter was 9 months old, I’m not sure how I’d live without them now! As we all know as parents, the tank of patience and energy to give our children is not infinite, but I’m always amazed how a few minutes of listening time can refuel me again.

A good way to start a new listening partnership is to tell your life story, following your mind’s stream of consciousness to talk about whatever emotions and events seem significant, stopping whenever you feel like laughing or crying, those places where we need some emotional healing.

I’ve recently started to tell my life story again, with a new listening partner, and it got me thinking, that our work of healing from the past is never over, that we can tell and retell our stories, using our present difficulties as keys, to unlock and release our past troubles. And each time we do we become a little bit lighter, a little more patient and present with our children.

Try taking turns to tell your life story with a friend, or find a listening partner through Hand in Hand parenting. Even better, Hand in Hand, have a new listening partnerships course, which explains all the nuts and bolts of how to make the most out of your listening partnership.

Getting Ready for Company: How tears made the difference!

Posted on by Kate Orson

A guest post by Angela Jernigan

It was a Sunday afternoon, shortly after we had moved to our new house. My four-year old daughter Leah had just come home from an overnight at her father’s house and we had two hours until our House Warming Party. We had been happily anticipating this party since our move. Leah was especially excited to share her new tree house with our friends. Leah had returned from her dad’s house chock full of feelings—she seemed sullen and sad and had lost all enthusiasm about the party.

I decided to help my daughter get in better emotional shape so that she would be able to enjoy our party. I asked her if she wanted some Special Time in order to help her really know that she had me. We did 10 minutes of Special Time, in which she wanted to hang out on my big bed and snuggle and wrestle. I offered lots of warmth and body contact. We did “flying airplane” and “trot-trot to Boston” and other physical games, with snuggles in between.

When the timer went off, I told Leah that Special Time was over and that it was time to start getting ready for our guests to arrive (I was already ready for the party, but wanted her to begin anticipating the arrival of our friends). She said that she only wanted to be with me and that she changed her mind about the party. I said, “You have a little bit longer to be alone with me, and the our friends will come over.” She insisted that she didn’t want to see anyone else. I repeated again (in a light, warm tone, while giving lots of eye contact) that soon lots of our favorite people would be coming to our house.

She became more adamant. “No! I only want to be with you! I don’t want anyone else!” She began to cry. I kept my words simple, saying that I was sorry it didn’t feel like what she wanted, but that our friends would be arriving soon. Soon she was crying mightily, telling me that she never gets enough time with me and that she misses me when she’s with her dad.” I stayed in close and told her, “You’ve really got me. And you get to be close to other people, too.”

Her cries were deep and hearty, with big tears streaming down her face, which was getting red. She cried like this for about twenty minutes, continuing to repeat that she didn’t want to see anyone else, that I was the only person she wanted. I reassured her again and again that she really has me, and that she has other people who love her, too.

After about twenty minutes her crying slowed down. I continued giving her eye contact, and staying in close. Suddenly her eyes brightened and she said, “Do you think Hazel will be coming to the party?” I said, “Yes!” She perked up and said, “Yay! Because I haven’t seen her all weekend!!”

Soon our friends did start to arrive, and Leah enthusiastically welcomed each person—squealing and hopping up and down as each new friend arrived. She played hard all afternoon—bringing her friends into her tree house, showing them her new bedroom, and the back yard. She thoroughly enjoyed herself, playing and laughing with friends for over three hours. That night she went to bed happily and easily, and slept deeply.

Angela Jernigan is `a Parenting by Connection Instructor based in the East Bay, find out more at her website here

What’s behind the ‘I wants’

Posted on by Kate Orson

 

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Yesterday we went on a beautiful overnight trip to a lake here in Switzerland. As soon as we got there my two year old daughter was saying, ”I want be carried,” ”I want food,” ”I want a drink.” There seemed to be no end to her ‘wants,’, and they all seemed to come in a rush. How could she be hungry, I thought, we’d just had a big lunch. And as soon as she’d claimed she was hungry, she was onto the next want, her need for food seemingly forgotten. ”I want to go home” she demanded, which was impossible, as home was three train rides away, and it seemed a shame not to enjoy the beautiful sunny day.

Recently when we’ve been out and about she’s been asking to go home a lot. It started when we tried out a new playgroup, and although the experience was exciting for her. it seemed to leave her feeling overstimulated, and needing down time. I wondered if it was a feeling of disconnection that was causing this barrage of ‘wants,’ and that what she really needed was to process some of her emotions.

”I want to ride” my daughter said pointing at a carousel we passed by the lake side. I thought about it for a moment, remembering how much she loved the carousel at the autumn fair in Basel, and how she’d spent weeks in imaginative play afterwards at home, making rides for her dolls and teddys. I also knew that sometimes when we want to help our children with their feelings, especially at times of disconnection, that it’s good to say yes for a while. So I bought some tokens for the ride, and we had a great time together. After the first go she didn’t want to come off, and I knew that a tantrum was coming. But the ride was quite short, and I didn’t want to interrupt her fun so quickly so I let her stay on for another two rides. Then I realised that it was actually quite expensive, and it was really time to stop!

As I told her it was time to go, she was clinging tightly to the car she was sitting in. She started crying. I didn’t want to seem like I was angry, and dragging her away, and usually I would wait till she felt better before we moved, but I did need to prise her hands away in a hurry, as we had to jump off before the carousel started going again. She was crying, as I went to sit on a wall by the lake. She kept crying, as I gently explained why we had left. I gave her time to finish crying, to get all of her upset out. I knew that although she loved the ride and wanted to stay on, it was about more than that. She’s often very flexible, and can understand and accept when we need to go, or when we can’t do something. But this time it was also about the upset feelings she’d been carrying with her all week, that were making her feel like she desperately ‘wanted,’ and ‘needed’ something, when in actual fact what she really needed was some warmth and connection to release her feelings. After crying, her kind of desperate ‘I want’ attitude had completely disappeared. We spent a lovely time, paddling in a pool by the lakeside.

So if you find your patience being tried by constant demands, perhaps see if your child actually needs a bit of extra connection. Special time, or doing something our child loves together is a great way to rebuild our connection with our children when they’re upset, or have experienced a separation from us. And what often happens is that afterwards our children may start to cry. Patty Wipfler refers to this as the ‘spoiled outing’ phenomenon, that amidst all the love and connection, and togetherness our children might have a meltdown. It may seem like our children are ungrateful or greedy or just spoiling everything by letting their feelings spill out over a day that was meant to be fun. But we can look at in a different way, that they’re soaking up our love and attention, and they feel safe to tell us how they’re feeling. They may not tell us in words. They may tell us by crying when we say no to an ice cream or tell them it’s time to go home. But I hope you’ll remember the message of this blog, that crying is a healing process, that our children shed upsets, and stress from the not so special times through tears. If we can wait till the end of the tears, without distracting or interrupting our children, but instead giving them lots of closeness, and connection, then we may find that the day, far from being spoiled, is even brighter than before.

Staylistening With An Infant – A guest post by Brooke March

Posted on by Kate Orson

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My sweet amazing baby had a scary thing happen 2 days ago and she is still processing it. It can feel so odd and confusing with a small baby but now I know this work and understand how healing it is for our babes to cry hard while we listen to them. I know this is what they NEED to do in order for the healing to happen. It is so clear this time around, her diaper is dry, she has a full belly, I hear the difference in her cry between being tired and needing to get some things out. I saw her get scared today a couple of times, things startle her, how can they not? She is so new and working hard to figure out this new world.

What is fascinating to me is most times she looks me right in the eye as she cries and then….after some time…she is done. She looks at me, she smiles, her way of thanking me for giving her the gift of full expression, and she often drifts off. More times then not, it is at the end of the day, like right now that she needs a big cry before bed. She has been a pretty great sleeper since the beginning and on the day she fell, she woke up over and over and over all night needing to cry hard. I would listen for a few minutes and then nurse her and help her get back to sleep. I knew she was not “done” that the feelings were still in there, but I also knew we needed to get some sleep. Her feelings would continue to wake her up until they were all gone, I knew this too, but it is hard to do this work in the middle of the night and I didn’t want our son to be woken up. So I just followed her lead, she would wake, I would listen for a little while, then we would go back to sleep, over and over and over. Every time helping her to chip away a little bit more of the fear.

With our son, we did everything we could to STOP the crying- we were “the happiest baby on the block” parents- opps!! The crying will stop once the hurt is healed and it gets healed through crying, crying releases a stress hormone in the body and helps it return to it’s natural healthy state. No baby cries for no reason, there is much to cry about for some. It is a delicate dance for infants and we always want to lean on the side of nurturance, but we also need to listen and tune in rather then offering the breast right away. Our loving arms, ears and presence is often what they are really needing and with our help, everything can heal. I am so happy to have these tools from day one this time around, the difference is profound and it has only been 3.5 months.

Further Resources

Sleeping Through The NIght  – Blog post on babies, sleep and emotional healing.

Helping Your Child Sleep – online self study course from Hand in Hand parenting

* Staylistening is the process of listening to our child’s emotional upsets, allowing them to cry freely until they feel better. You can read more stories about the healing power of staylistening here

Brooke March is a Parenting by Connection instructor based in Santa Cruz. Follow her on Facebook here where she shares wonderful anecdotes about life as a mother of two, all about staylistening with an infant, and how she helped her son adapt to having a sibling. 

 

One Single Step To Transforming Parenting

Posted on by Kate Orson

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There’s a lot of information out there about parenting. Thousands of books, TV programs, and now with the internet, there are websites, forums, blogs with new posts, and new information flooding our lives everyday. It’s easy to get overwhelmed, it’s easy to get confused, and it’s easy to miss a pearl of wisdom that could completely transform the lives of our children, ourselves, and the communities that we are part of.

When I became a mother, I was sure I wanted to be an attachment parent. Breastfeeding, co-sleeping and carrying my daughter in a sling, seemed like the obvious way I could ensure that we would have a strong connection, not just through her childhood, but to teenage years and to adulthood beyond. I naturally fell into feeding my daughter to sleep, feeding her all the time. Breastfeeding seemed to be like a miracle cure for everything so some attachment parents would tell me, if they fall down and hurt themselves just breastfeed them, if they wake in the night just breastfeed them.

But the thing was, my daughter didn’t actually want to breastfeed when she fell over, much as I tried, or on the plane when we landing and the air pressure was bothering her. At these times. She just wanted to cry. Loudly and freely, she wanted me to hold her as she expressed her feelings. And the other thing was that I felt a strange tension between us, sometimes when I was breastfeeding her, if this was helping her get to sleep, then why was I just counting the minutes, and why was she wriggling her body around as if filled with tension? It didn’t seem very relaxing at all for either of us.

Then there was a fact that the books I’d read about attachment parenting, all emphasised attachment as a sense of physical proximity, using a criteria that it wasn’t always possible to match. Breastfeeding, babywearing, and co-sleeping just don’t work out for everyone, including me. There had to be a something else, a deeper understanding or our emotional connection to our children.

After about nine months, I did began to emerge from the fog of becoming a new mother, and to figure out how my own parenting instincts aligned with a book I’d read before my daughter was born that explained about the healing power of tears. Could it be true? Could it be that our role as parents wasn’t always just to stop our children from crying, to fix, or talk a lot to reason the out of our feelings? Could it be that if breastfeeding had become a habit that was stopping her from expressing herself?

I knew from my own experience just how good crying could be. There had been a long period of my life when I had felt really, really angry, and it was only when I started to access the softer feelings beneath the anger, that I was able to finally to be sad, to cry, and finally heal and move on. If this was the path to emotional well-being, that I didn’t want to stop my daughter from crying, I wanted to figure out how to listen.

When I saw the benefits of listening to my daughter’s feelings, as a baby, and then beyond into toddler tantrums, when I started getting listened to as a parent, I realised just how big this pearl of wisdom can be. When my daughter was stressed, and tense her sleep was bad, her behaviour challenging. When I began to address the times she had feelings to release instead of an actual need, things became a lot better. There were less tense and edgy moments between us, less power struggles. I realised that she wasn’t hungry just before bed, and when she woke up crying, even at a year old, it wasn’t because she was starving, it was because while sleeping, feelings had risen to the surface, that she wanted to tell me about, without words.

This single step simply means to listen and offer warmth and connection even in our child’s most challenging moments, isn’t about permitting all behaviour, it’s about allowing all feelings. And when children are fully listened to, a lot of their challenging behaviour melts away.

It’s also about being listened to ourselves, to make up the shortfall between the childhood that we had, and the one we want to give our children. Our parents did the very best they could, but we don’t live in a culture that fully supports the expression of feelings. Things are changing though.

I’m glad that this pearl of wisdom is being discovered, that more and more families, are recovering this lost art of listening to feelings. It’s part of our instinct as humans, to fully feel, and to fully move through our feelings, to come out the other side into a brighter world.