Telling Your Life Story

Posted on by Kate Orson

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How we can overcome our present parenting challenges by telling stories about our past 

In Parenting by the Inside Out, Dan Siegal explains how the single most important factor that determines how well are children are attached to us, is our ability to tell a coherent life story of our own childhood. He explains the important fact that history does not have to repeat itself. No matter what challenges we experienced as a child, if we have made sense of our past, then it no longer comes to influence and dominate our present.

A coherent life story is one that is beyond simply labelling our childhood as ‘happy’ or ‘difficult,’ it is one that includes events and emotions, with an understanding of how both the positive and negative aspects of our childhood have formed us as adults, such as in this example (from this article by Siegal and Bryson)

 “My mother was always angry.  She loved us, there was never any doubt about that.  But her parents had really done a number on her.   Her dad worked all the time, and her mother was a closet alcoholic.  Mom was the oldest of six kids, so she always felt like she had to be perfect.  So she bottled everything up, and her emotions just boiled over anytime something went wrong.  My sisters and I usually took the brunt of it, sometimes even physically.  I worry that sometimes I let my kids get away with too much, and I think part of that is because I don’t want them to feel that pressure to be perfect.”

The good news is that history isn’t destined to repeat itself. If we can take some time to build a coherent narrative of our own childhood, we won’t pass down our emotional baggage to our own children.

If we take a look at any present difficulty in our parenting, we can almost always trace it’s roots back to our past, just as Patty Wipfler did in this story of how she began to form the Parenting by Connection approach. One important aspect of Parenting by Connection is the listening partnership, where two parents take time to talk and listen about how parenting is going. Since starting my first listening partnership when my daughter was 9 months old, I’m not sure how I’d live without them now! As we all know as parents, the tank of patience and energy to give our children is not infinite, but I’m always amazed how a few minutes of listening time can refuel me again.

A good way to start a new listening partnership is to tell your life story, following your mind’s stream of consciousness to talk about whatever emotions and events seem significant, stopping whenever you feel like laughing or crying, those places where we need some emotional healing.

I’ve recently started to tell my life story again, with a new listening partner, and it got me thinking, that our work of healing from the past is never over, that we can tell and retell our stories, using our present difficulties as keys, to unlock and release our past troubles. And each time we do we become a little bit lighter, a little more patient and present with our children.

Try taking turns to tell your life story with a friend, or find a listening partner through Hand in Hand parenting. Even better, Hand in Hand, have a new listening partnerships course, which explains all the nuts and bolts of how to make the most out of your listening partnership.

Stop I need connection!

Posted on by Kate Orson

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My daughter has discovered the power of yelling ”stop!” whenever the grown-ups are talking. It started a few days ago, before we travelled back to the UK to spend time with family. Now there is a lot of grown-up conversation and sometimes it doesn’t involve her as much as she’d like.

This kind of behaviour can be really triggering for us, particularly when we’re in company. Our lovely, charming children, are suddenly being irritating, and we can begin to wonder what people will think of us, our children and our parenting!! It doesn’t help to use rational or reasoning, saying ”mummy will finish talking in a minute,” or ”I just need to finish explaining to Daddy this important thing blah blah blah”. When a child starts behaving in an off-track way, they are really signalling that they can’t think. That their pre-frontal cortex has gone off line, and they need us to engage with their ‘feeling’ limbic brain. They need to feel our love, and our warmth again.

We could try just telling them to stop themselves, that their behaviour is ”not acceptable” but this doesn’t work to deal with the feelings that cause the behaviour in the first place. Over time if we do this our children wind up feeling more disconnected, and behaving in a variety of more off-track ways, or their behaviour goes underground, they stop showing us or telling us how they feel, and they grow up distanced from us. If we can offer connection even when our child’s behaviour is challenging, then we maintain closeness with them.

Because of the way we were parented, we get irritated when our children ask for connection in these kinds of ways. After all, what would our parents have done if we started yelling ”stop!” in a public place like a restaurant? It takes a big leap to be able to give our children connection at all times, even when their behaviour really pushes our buttons.

Listening partnerships really help the most, or having a trusted friend that we can chat to about how embarrassed we were when our child started acting out in public. Having someone who can help us release tension so we don’t feel so irritated. It can also help to say some of the things we feel like saying at the moment to our child, but try not to! And to reflect back and tell the story of our childhood. What would have had happened to us, when we acted out in public? Telling our story to someone we trust allows us no longer be ‘living’ our story in the present, reducing our compulsion to act it out and repeat what happened to us with our own children.

Anyway, back to the dinner table. As my daughter was yelling stop. I had the idea to get under the table, and then to pop up either side of her and surprise her by making her laugh. It worked, she started giggling, and we got to have our conversation again. But I was a little more mindful now to include her, reminding myself that when our children behave in off-track ways, they’re not being ‘bad’ or ‘unreasonable.’ They are only asking for the connection they need to grow and thrive. And if we offer that connection as much as we can, even when it feels challenging, if we can let go of the voices in our head that might be telling us that our child just shouldn’t be behaving in this way, then they don’t need to challenge us with their behaviour.

Since this ”stop!!’ game has been happening a lot these past few days. I know I need to take make some effort, have a mini holiday ”connection plan”. As we visit relatives who give her attention, I’m also using the time to go and catch up on some work. But it’s a reminder that my daughter still needs connection with me. So starting today, I’ve decided to start the day with 5 minutes of special time. This is a great thing to do when we are travelling, because it can happen before we get busy doing activities and outings with the family. I love this anecdote written by a working mum about how just a short dose of special time can make a big difference. I’ll also try to do a longer special time later in the day, and have lots of playlistening as well. And most importantly I’ll make some time for some listening for myself! When I can clear our my old feelings of tiredness and irritation, I discover the spark of creativity that I need to enjoy play.

Mine, Mine Mine! Fun Games to Encourage Sharing

Posted on by Kate Orson

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When my daughter Ruby was 22 months old, she learnt the word “mine” along with the concept that certain possessions belonged to different people. My husband and I found it quite amusing that she was suddenly exclaiming “mine!!” whenever we picked up something of hers. But then a friend with a daughter of a similar age came to visit. Previously Ruby had been happy to share her space and toys with others. But this visit was punctuated by her saying “mine mine!” whenever her little friend picked up one of her toys.

I’d always been so proud that Ruby had been able to share so well. What had changed? I wondered if it was my fault. I wasn’t sharing all my possessions with her. My mobile phone and computer were off limits. She had already broken my computer mouse, so I did need to set some limits to protect my possessions! But if I wasn’t being flexible with my ‘rules’ then how could I expect Ruby to share her most treasured possessions? I started to relax my rule about my mobile phone. I would let her play with it for a few short ‘special times.’ It turned out to be a lovely connected time, where I got to share her excitement, and surprise as she pressed the buttons and made things happen. We talked together about what the phone, smiling, and making lots of eye contact, so it wasn’t just about the phone, but about spending time together too. It’s not something I’d do every day, but I wanted to occasionally relax the rigid idea, that “this is mine, and that is yours.”

We also played a fun Playlistening game, where I would say in an inviting tone, “I’m just going to send a message on my phone,” and have the phone within grabbing reach of her. She would take it and I’d act all surprised, exclaiming “oh my phone!” She laughed a lot, really enjoying playing the powerful role of taking my possessions.

One evening I picked up one of Ruby’s teddy bears, and she immediately launched into “mine, mine!” “Whoops! Sorry,’’ I said, ‘’I thought it was mine.’’ She giggled as I handed the teddy bear back. We had started Playlistening again. I would take a teddy bear or doll, cradle it, and say ‘’oh my lovely baby.’’ She would exclaim ‘’mine!’’ I would apologise, as if I’d done it accidentally, and hand it back. She giggled and giggled and kept saying ‘da da’ which is her word for ‘again.’’ Once Playlistening gets initiated she often asks me to repeat the same things that make her laugh.

After dinner Ruby, her daddy and I would go to the local park to play on the grass. We love to do Playlistening outside, where we can freely avoid our household chores, and concentrate on having fun and connecting together! I would throw a cuddly toy in the air and we would all race off to get it. The finish was close, and Ruby would giggle a lot as she always managed to get the toy just in time.

All this laughter while playing the powerful role was helping her to release the tensions and fears that were coming up around sharing. She was having all this wonderful playtime, always getting the toys. I wondered if it would help her feel comfortable to share again.

The next day two of her little friends came round. Almost immediately one of the girls took Ruby’s buggy, Ruby erupted with “mine!’’ Oh no, I thought, the girl who loved to share is gone.

Of course the buggy was Ruby’s. I wanted to hear her feelings, but she hadn’t been playing with it at the time, so it seemed fair to let Julia continue playing with it. I gently told Ruby, ‘’Yes, it’s yours, but I think Julia would like to play with it for a bit.’’ Ruby seemed to understand that Julia was just borrowing it. And it turned out that Julia only wanted the buggy so Ruby took the baby out and played with it instead.

After that the three toddlers played happily all afternoon, sharing toys, and working things out for themselves so us mums were free to chat! Ruby was feeding the other girls cherries, and bringing them their water bottles. I was so happy to see her kind generous nature shining through again.

We often think it’s our job as parents to encourage sharing, to time turns, or give a toy to another child to stop a tantrum. This can be an exhausting task! There have been times when I’ve watched my daughter always want the toy that another child has, and if I constantly try to meet this need, it doesn’t seem to satisfy her. Often it’s not about the toy, it’s about the feelings that come up for a child when they see a kid having fun with a toy they don’t have. Maybe they think, ‘’if I had that toy I would feel better.’’

Our time and energy as parents is better spent listening. We can listen to the upset feelings, the tears and tantrums as another child plays with a toy. We can listen to the laughter, playing games to release the tension and fears that come up around sharing.

All our children love to share. When they are free of upset feelings they naturally want to get on well with others, and share the joy of their most treasured possessions. Taking the time to listen, connect, and play, helps to restore this natural state of co-operation and generosity.

It’ll all end in tears

Posted on by Kate Orson

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You know the old saying, ‘it’ll all end in tears,’ the warning our parents gave us when our play got giggly, wild and ‘out of control’? I gained a different perspective on this old saying when I discovered the Parenting by Connection approach from Hand In Hand Parenting.

Laughter is one of the ways that we release stress and tension from our bodies. For instance when we feel embarrassed it’s natural to giggle nervously, and we can probably all remember times as children when we tried to suppress are giggles when we got told off by a grown up.

Laughter also builds connection with our children, as they run, chase, and have fun with us, safety builds so they are able to tell us how they are feeling. After they release some ‘lighter’ tensions through giggling, this may mean that deep hurts rise to the surface. It might be that our child falls down, and has a big cry over what looks like a small hurt, because the are actually not just crying about the present moment, but releasing some feelings from past upsets that they didn’t cry about at the time.

I’ve sensed that my daughter has been feeling a bit ‘off-track’ recently. Three months ago, my grandmother died, and I felt devastated and exhausted. While I was grieving it was hard to give my daughter the deep sense of connection, that she craves. As we all know our children seem to need an almost infinite amount of attention! I took care of her basic needs, but there wasn’t much fun and laughter in our house for a while. I took every opportunity I could to let her dad take over so I could rest.

About a month ago, as I started to get more energy, my daughter’s behaviour started getting more challenging. It was as if she could sense that I was more emotionally available than I had been, and she started ‘telling’ me how she had felt when I didn’t have attention for her, by saying no to lots of things. Getting her dressed, or brushing her hair, were like invitations for her to run away. We didn’t always have time or I didn’t have the energy to chase her for half an hour, to get these things done! She also became really clingy, saying, ”I want my mummy’ all the time in a very screechy voice, that really pushed my buttons. And I noticed her showing fear of things that she had done confidentially before like going down a slide in the park. I had been trying to encourage her by waiting at the bottom of the slide, and telling her I would catch her.

Yesterday evening, I had some great listening time with my partners. I was able to talk about how disconnected my daughter and I were from each other and how I needed to reconnect but wasn’t sure how. I was able to vent all of my frustration about her constantly demanding my attention.

After that I felt full of energy, and all of the irritation I’d felt had vanished. I went to clean her teeth, and then she started running away from me, I chased her around the house, grabbing hold of her clothes, but always letting her get away, so she could feel powerful, and have fun. After laughing for a bit she happily cleaned her teeth, and then found more fun things to do, such as opening the bedroom door and run away giggling with delight, when she escaped me again. She laughed and laughed, and got to release all her excess energy from the day. We ended up ‘wrestling’ on our bed, with me pretending to sleep and her jumping on me saying ”ride ride donkey,” a game we play where I say that I am not a donkey but a mummy and I need to sleep. She laughed for a good hour before going to sleep.

Now I’ve practised Parenting by Connection long enough to learn that after so much laughter, tears will come. It might not be immediately, but in the next hour or day. It’s like a weather pattern, that after laughter, there will be tears.

This morning she woke up crying really suddenly, a bit earlier than usual. She sounded scared as if she’d had a bad dream. I went into the bedroom and held her. She cried for a few mins, and I was careful just to hold her, not say too much, and just be there. Then she said ”mummy dropped me.”

I realised that she was recounting something that happened a few days ago at the swimming pool. She had jumped into the pool and I was ready to catch her, but for a split second she had slipped through my hands, and went under the water, before I did catch her.  I recounted the story to her, saying I had dropped her for a second, but she was safe now, and I would always keep her safe. She cried even harder as I said I would keep her safe. When her crying died down again I sensed she was still upset so I told her the story again to reassure her, and each time I got to the part where I said I would always keep her safe she cried.

After crying for a while she was back to laughter again. We lay in bed, and did her favourite thing of the moment, where she makes up funny words like, ”poka and ”tanny” and then I repeat them exclaiming with surprise, and she laughs.

After that she was in a great mood. She happily got dressed and let me brush her hair with no need for any chasing! Then we went to the park. She played a game, where I pushed one of her babies down the slide, and she caught them. And then she left a baby at the bottom of the slide to catch her, and she went down herself!

With connection, laughter and tears, she could overcome the upset, that had happened when I couldn’t be completely there for her. If I had tried to distract or cheer her up, if I’d had said, you’re okay, said it’s just a bad dream and rushed to get on with the day, I might not have heard the story of why she was upset, or helped hwith her sense of disconnection and fears.

When our children get our connection, and can laugh with us, it might all end in tears, but that is natural. When our children can fully shed their sadness and fear, they get to that deeper happiness, that greater confidence beyond. And when that happens they don’t need to tell us anymore, through challenging behaviour just how bad they felt. All is well again. So don’t hold back on the laughter, because you’re getting nervous that tears might follow, just remember it’s all part of the natural cycle of human emotions. Just be sure to get some support for the challenging work we all do as parents, riding the storm of our children’s feelings!